I love being in love. Most of us do. Why then do we settle into relationships with a bowl of popcorn at one hand and the remote control in the other, zoning out as life and love pass us by? Could it be that relationships are work? In fact relationships are the toughest assignment on the whole planet and at the same time they bring the most rewarding gifts. Like love itself, they can be filled with the most intense energy of intimacy and at the same time, the most profound possibility. That is, if you are really present and doing the work.
This Valentines Day would be a great time to begin to create the love and joy you deserve. This is a time to use your relationship as your own personal spiritual workshop for enlightenment. After all, it’s the best tool your have.
Here are some important steps you can take which deepen your relationship. These are not for those folks still in relationship kindergarten who are sleeping around, lying and telling people what they want to hear. These are for those of you who are ready for deep, meaningful relationships. You know who you are, those of you who would consider skipping Survivor, Who Wants To be A Millionaire or Real TV, for some good old fashion intimacy. Begin by taking my list and making it your own with revisions and changes that are reflective of who you and your partner are. Once you have a new list of commitments or re-commitments, sit down and promise them out loud to each other. I’d love to hear about your process. Write and tell me what you discover in yourself and in your beloved. Most importantly, have fun!
Seven Steps to Creating Conscious Relationships
1. I Commit to Achieve Intimacy.
I commit to recognizing, owning and clearing away the obstacles I put in the way of my ability to be close. I will identify and name the defense mechanisms I use to distance, close my heart, abandon myself, abandon my partner, friends or family members in order to avoid telling my truth or creating real intimacy.
2. I Communicate and reveal my truths openly. I honor my partner’s truths by being trustworthy.
I do not conceal parts of myself, even those parts of which I am not proud. Holding parts of myself back in relationship is self-defeating. I can’t be committed unless I am fully present and willing to be transparent. Conscious relationship means microscopic truth telling. I honor my right and my partner’s right to reveal our truths only as it is safe to do so. I honor my partner’s truth as a sacred trust and do not reveal it to others without her permission.
3. I Take Full Responsibility for My Own Needs and my own Growth.
I have the power to take charge of my life and stop being a victim. I have the power to stop my dependence on substance, obsessive activity, bad relationships or people whom I have made responsible for my lack of self-esteem, security and happiness. The times when I have projected blame and shame onto other’s, are when I have forgotten that I am in charge of my own reality and healing. I will not expect my partner to deal with the consequences of my refusal to do my own work.
4. I Commit to joy and laughter in my relationship.
I am aware that relationships take immense courage and commitment and therefore, I also commit to creating equal joy. I accept the ups and downs in relationship as a normal part of the process and my personal opportunities for growth. I take the time to enjoy the strengths, creativity and healing in my partner, in myself and in my relationship.
5. I Commit to Releasing Learned Behaviors and Negative Programming that no longer serves Me.
I accept that I am ever changing and so are those I love. I do not hold on to pain or anger from the past. Neither will I hold on to negative behaviors that diminish my self-worth or are harmful or demeaning to myself or others. I promptly admit my mistakes. I do not accept responsibility for, or cover-up for, the mistakes of others. I commit to stay in the process until the issues are resolved or there is an agreement to disagree.
6. I Commit to some path of service to the planet and all sentient beings.
I commit to actions that restore peace and balance on the planet. I commit to assisting others in the discovery and joy of conscious relationship and conscious living. I will do this first and foremost by committing to my own growth and increasing awareness.
7. I Commit to act honorably with reference to the issue of monogamy in my
committed mate relationships.
If I have committed to be monogamous, I willingly make the choice not bring anyone else, or any one else’s energy into our physical relationship. I will provide a safe place for each of us to completely unfold and give fully of ourselves. I will not play with, or encourage other people’s attraction to me. I willingly choose not spend time with people who cannot or will not honor our commitment as partners. I will not use affection as hostage or reward – nor will I create a space of withhold lacking in unconditional love in which error may occur.
If I have not committed to be monogamous, I will speak clearly and truthfully about my intentions, whether I am sexually with others and I will not act deceptively to have my needs filled in ways that are not in agreement with our contract. I will honor my spiritual relationships with truth and I will disclose fully.
Conscious relationships are a commitment and gift to self. They teach you to be:
(1) Be Fully Aware And Present
(2) Be Authentic – Experience all your feelings
(3) Be Committed – Keep your agreements and increase your level of integrity
(4) and Be Joyful!
Take a minute to imagine how much soul deep work could be accomplished if you knew your partner would never cheat on you, lie to you, betray you or leave you without an honorable end to your contract. These gifts of safety and integrity provide unlimited opportunities for your own growth and growth toward each other! Light a candle. Put on some music. Sit across from each other. Renew your vows this Valentines Day with these commitments or ones that the two of you create. The result? Deeper love and growth.
© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013