Relationships are my specialty. I get
to watch them as they fall apart in order to fall back
into place in my office. I have a very high success
rate but it’s not necessarily about me. It is
about the couples who come to the understanding that
relationships, any relationships, are about sacred
contracts and how we deal with them. The people who
heal and hold it all together are the ones that know
every response they have is about them personally and
solely, their integrity, level of honesty and presence.
No matter how many tools couples may accumulate, without
understanding that simple principle, relationships
don’t work. Relationships are a sacred trust.
So, one could say that without an element of spirituality
in our relationships, they are not complete.
Spirituality doesn’t necessarily mean religion, dogma or doctrine although
those things may serve us on our path to getting to true consciousness. Spirituality,
I think we can all agree, means having integrity. A spiritual person may be one
who simply loves the earth and is dedicated to caring for her. It may be someone
who has an uncommon love for mankind or an intention to deliberately live life
in a conscious way. In relationships, being spiritual means being real and truthful.
It means being present and committed to mutually agreed upon stated contacts
and agreements. It means having compassion and a sense of the sacred about this
person who has committed to you.
We are often act cavalier about each other’s feelings. We say things that
are meant to intentionally hurt. We do things that are intentionally meant to
cause mistrust and uncertainty. We talk about each other to other people not
caring about the impact it has on the perception of the person listening. We
break confidences. We break contracts. We break hearts. We lose a sense of civility.
We act in ways that display total disregard for the tenderness of the spirit
inside our beloved. And, all of that is about us…not the other person.
Partners who are willing to take personal responsibility for every response they
have in a relationship find relationships to be the greatest soul school on the
planet. It tests our integrity, our compassion, our honesty and our level of
presence. When partners take ownership of their own feelings and responses, the
real work of relationship begins and the result is profound growth and deeper
intimacy. Partners need to lay their problems out on the table and talk openly
about why they respond in certain ways to circumstances and issues. They need
to identify and articulate the emotions behind these behaviors in order to understand
and change them. Very often this understanding alone creates healing and stops
the cycle of abusive behavior. Very few people want to be deliberately hurtful.
Most of the time the behaviors that create separation originate out of fear and
a lack of faith in ourselves.
When we are able to communicate openly about issues, partners are able to create
new solutions. The most important element to creating this kind of deeper dialog
is trust. These conversations must be dealt with honorably and not discussed
outside the relationship unless with a professional or by mutual agreement.
In my books Break Up or Break Through (for non-traditional relationships) and
The Trouble with Marriage (for traditional relationships) it became clear as
I interviewed couples that the basic principles of successful relationships were
simple. Be honest. Stay present. Act out of love. With these three principles
any issues about money, sex or life challenges were easily resolved.
The greatest gift you can give your partner and your relationship is to understand
the sacred value of both and to treat your partner and the relationship as a
gift that deserves open on-going communication. Couples who commit even one hour
week to just listening to their partner and understanding how their partner feels
found their relationships deepened and grew. In today’s society with all
the pressures of success, this kind of commitment seldom happens unless it is
actually booked in the day planner and treated and a sacred trust and priority.
Couples need to understand that they are not responsible for each other’s
feeling, nor do they have to fix these feelings or provide solutions. The finest
gift one can give is to simply listen and understand how your partner’s
truth is true for him or her. You can download a communication exercise off my
site http://www.In-Two-One.com if you do not have one of the books and begin
this process today. After 25 years of practice, I can honestly say the couples
who do this stay together and resolve their issues and the ones who never find
time are often back in my office rehashing the same problems.
Do yourself a favor and bring the element of sacred connection back to your relationship
though ethical communication. The gifts you will receive are amazing.