It’s what we say we want. It’s
what we long for before it arrives. We daydream about
it, imagine it, visualize it, pray for it and then
when it finally comes…we ignore it and give it
the least attention. Time to tune up your love life.
Here are ten ways to kick up the fire in your relationship.
1. Go First! The attitude of you go first is a killer.
It creates an emotional standoff and environment of
fear because problems are not being addressed. If you
care about your relationship and your partner, have
the courage to say so. Speak up about the issues and
make a commitment to fix them. The thing that kills
most relationships is denial, which can, if you let
it, go on for years. Opting for the status quo is nothing
more than a lack of courage on your part. Ultimately,
you’ll be sitting in my office, or someone else’s,
hearing “How could you not know I was so unhappy,
you boob?”
2. Stop taking your partner for granted. I don’t
care how long you have been together, get over yourself,
you really don’t know everything there is to
know about your mate. In fact, you could sit across
from him or her for the next hundred years and still
not know every hope for the future, every fear, every
dream, and every vulnerable spot in your partner’s
heart. Get curious about what your partner really feels.
If you are both vital and changing each day, this is
not the same person to whom you committed years ago
and it could be exciting to find out who he or she
has become over the years.
3. Check your report card. Once a year go on a retreat,
no friends, and no distractions and find out how you
are doing as a partner. Yes I said how you are doing!
If you are doing your part to keep love alive, why
on earth would your partner wander? Relationships are
not about the other person. They are about you. They
are about your capacity for compassion, your need for
sameness, your ability to forgive, your ability to
stay present with an open heart, and your character.
4. Renew your enthusiasm. Create date nights, leave
love notes, and ask questions about how your partner
feels, even if the answers make you uncomfortable.
Remind your self that the bit pudgy, or bit older person
that has been sitting across from you for several years
has the same glorious spirit he or she had the day
you met and a quick look in the mirror will remind
you that growing older is inevitable for both of you,
not an indication you should leave or shop for someone
younger.
5. Overcome your fear of abandonment or failure. Relationships
fail, more often than not, from a lack of attention
or denial than they do from couples who fight fair.
When you emotionally leave your relationship, your
partner feels that disconnect and eventually one of
you will physically leave. It’s worse being in
a relationship and feeling lonely than it is being
single and feeling lonely At least if you are single
there are options.
6. Stop acting small. Take a minute to look back at
the series of things in your life you have never addressed
or issues you walked away from. Then ask yourself,
Am I living life fully? Do I have a rich rewarding
life or is something always missing. The thing that
is missing is You! Get in the game. Talk about your
feelings and needs. Ask for time and create processes
to go deeper.
7. Learn to tolerate and enjoy discomfort. The truth
is always healing even though it may not always be
comfortable. So your partner is not pleased with something
you are doing. Would you prefer that he or she hash
it out with the best friend as resentment and distance
builds? Or, would you like a chance to fix it. Here’s
a headline. It is not your job in a relationship to
be perfect. Relationships give us a chance and a place
to grow. We all have to make adjustments in relationships.
That what they do…make us better people.
8. Take care of yourself. It’s your job to make
sure that you are healthy and attractive, no matter
what your age or size. If you are letting yourself
go, no doubt your partner will be picking up the pieces
when you have a stoke or heart attack. Make sure that
if you love your partner, that you come first in the
care department. That way you will be around for the
good years.
9. Make a difference. If you are working on your relationship
and everything is going well, there is nothing that
creates deeper connection that working together to
make a difference in the world. Volunteer to work with
AIDS, kids or the elderly. Be conscious about what
is going on in the world and commit to making it better.
10. Finally, find a place to feed your spirit. You
don’t necessarily need the dogma or doctrine
of organized religion, although there is nothing wrong
with that either, but we all do need a place to get
our character and sense of spirit reflected back to
us. Right now more than ever before we need a strong
moral compass that aligns with our own spirit. Find
a place to strengthen that.
You’ll notice not much was said here about sex.
My sense is that if you are doing all these steps,
no doubt something fabulous will arise. Have a fantastic
New Year.
Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan - Coaching
for Individuals and Couples Telephone: (602)997-1200 FAX: (602)997-0970
Call for appointments, schedule
of workshops and personal growth activities, or to be included
on our list for mailings and weekly email inspirational messages.
