you will find five of the most frequently asked
questions about relationships. If you have a question
you feel applies in a general way to all relationships,
please feel free to contact
Dr. Evan about adding it to our list.
How can you tell who is to blame when you
are having trouble?
answer to this is neither of you and both of
you. Neither is to blame, but, both of you
are responsible. No matter what, in every relationship
and every situation, the responsibility for
your success and your difficulty is always
50/50. Most people do not like to hear that
because it is easier to blame someone else.
However, if you are conscious, you must be
willing to ask, how am I contributing to this
situation and what am I willing to do to make
it better. Even when there is an "identified
bad guy," someone has made a decision to be
with the bad guy.
What are the reasons why so many relationships
therapists will tell you the reasons relationship
fail are are money, sex, and communication,
in that order. I disagree. I believe the reasons
for the failure of most relationships are what
I call the A, B, double C's:
= Lack of Awareness: Lack of Awareness
or an attitude of, "It's all about you --
not me." These people are into blaming, making
others wrong and they seldom analyze what
it is they are doing to contribute to their
= Lack of understanding about Boundaries: Lack
of Boundaries or lack of understanding of
how they work. This issue is critical and
this is the very reason most couples don't
make it. Solid Boundaries help give us a
clear understanding of what our responsibilities
are and are not. Boundaries prevent us from
becoming co-dependent or making others responsible
for our good feelings about our selves.
= Lack of Commitment: This is the individual
who is "doing time" in relationships, but
not doing work on him or herself. These people
act disinterested, disconnected to issues
or process, and are in relationships but
not really present to or for each other.
These people usually get their own way through
manipulation, shaming, disapproval, fear,
intimidation, control, interrogation, withdrawal
= Communication Problems: When you are
able to communicate, these and all other
issues - sex and $ problems, or any other
problems -- get dealt with effectively.
Why are there so many relationships in
as we do them today, for the most part, reinforce
our separateness as individuals and support
a sense of isolation. We are constantly protecting
or defending our role, our space, our right,
our level of need. We need to create stronger
boundaries and better communication so that
we can use relationships as they were Divinely
inspired - as workshops for the Spirit. With
good boundaries and communication we can allow
people to be who they are and support them
in their own spiritual journey of self discovery.
focus has become external. We believe we are
our facade-selves - the teacher, the partner,
the employee or business owner. We believe
we are our perfect or not so perfect bodies,
toys, houses, cars and bank accounts. The more
we have the more we are. The greater our success,
the greater our presence. We have buried our
real selves in what we think the world, our
parents, or our partners want us to be.
real relationship begins when we are courageous
and willing to find our real selves, under
all this outer accoutrement. It begins when
we find our real spirit and the real spirit
in our partners. Out of that discovery comes
two partners, and then a third force that emerges
out of these two - the third is the ONE - shared
awareness. When two people come together in
order to find that awareness in each other
-- in the space between them they also find
ecstasy - call it relationship, call it God.
The twoness brings them into ONE and the ONENESS
dances as two. This is conscious relationship.
Can a relationship ever be fixed once an
affair has taken place?
yes! Affairs are very often a cry for help
or a symptom of even bigger problems in the
relationship. Often there has been no communication,
no affection and no intimacy long before the
affair has taken place, but both partners have
been in denial about the problems.
What is another reason relationship fail?
reason many relationships fail is because they
begin for the wrong reason. Many relationships
are based on need, not love. It's so easy to
get entrenched in our own "I need this, I want
this - you're not fulfilling this for me." Need
security -- need refuge - need affection -
need financial support - need housekeeper -need
taking care of --all relationships are symbiotic
in that sense. We come together because we
fulfill each others needs at some level. However,
when need becomes the primary focus, we begin
relating to each other as objects. NEED
IS NOT LOVE - Swallow hard - I'll say that
again ...NEED IS NOT LOVE! The
shared predicament is how do we come together
as one and yet not lose ourselves as individuals
or lose ourselves in each other's needs? Anyone
here ever felt that? The only way we can do
that is if we are aware, have healthy boundaries,
are able to communicate and make commitments.
now it is your turn to ask questions.*****
it to us in an E-mail.
Make sure it is a general question that would
be of interest to many people
and does not contain specific
information about you or anyone else. Tell
us if you would like to get credit for asking
this question. If so, we will put your name
at the end of the question. If not, we will
not post any name with the question. Thanks
for stopping by and please come back. -
are never alone when being a part of God...
there are always two of you.
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