“Now that my partner is sober, she’s
talking about her dreams and all the things that she
wants to accomplish in life. Is this fantasy or reality
and how should I respond?” This question comes
up very often in therapy from the spouses of newly
sober partners and mates.
Having a vivid imagination is a great gift, after all, our reality gets created
energetically by moving from idea- to thought- to image- to word- to concept
and then finally to reality. Since everything we think and feel at the moment
is based upon the past, it is clear that without imagination or fantasy, we could
not create new realities for ourselves.
The future isn't here yet. And since all we have as a reference point is the
past, if we don’t use imagination or fantasy, we can inadvertantly bring
the same old limitations from our little red wagon of the past into the "now" in
order to create the future. Without imagination or fantasy, we could be stuck
in our past, unable to create anything new for ourselves. Remember, the saying “you
create exactly what you concentrate on.” The old adage “what you
think you will become” has a strong element of truth. You cannot create
what you cannot imagine. It’s not in your reality to do so.
On a scientific level, Einstein taught us energy and matter are two different
forms of the same thing. Thoughts, fantasies and beliefs and the words that carry
them are the energy that creates reality. "Thought and fantasy " energy
are very powerful.
On a physiological level, we can also see how this is true. Neurons or brain
cells pass your beliefs and thoughts from one cell to the other via electromagnetic
energy and chemicals that produce a response in the brain. That response produces
a response in your body and ultimately the two combined produce your reality.
Each time a thought passes from one neuron to the other via synapses, it leaves
an imprint or impression the French call a bouton. The more of these boutons
created, the easier it becomes to simply accept a belief as a reality. In other
words, it takes less and less energy to believe a negative belief or positive
belief if you have concentrated on either for a long period of time. You just
behaving as if that feeling is a fact. It’s similar to an old Model-T Ford
that goes down a dirt road so many times that it wears a track into the road
that it can no longer get out of. The key is repetition. Accumulative thoughts
change the very typography of the brain. The more thoughts and fantasies we have
about a thing, the more energy is created -the less effort it takes to believe
them. Even the AMA agrees that 80% of what goes on in the body begins in the
mind. I think 100% of our reality and health is created there.
Everything you see and experience in life began first in mind or imagination
with fantasy, word and thought. Think about it! Is there anything you can name
that did not first begin in mind? How powerful that makes you. It means we have
the control over our reality at a very profound level. You have control over
creating what you really want. You also create what you are in lack of. Fantasy,
dreams and thought are the first order of all reality. Right now you are experiencing
in your life, all the beliefs and dreams you had yesterday and tomorrow you will
experience all the beliefs, fantasies and thoughts you have today. There is one
kicker however; DESIRE AND BELIEF ARE NOT UNITED!
Belief is always stronger than desire in energy. So, if you desire one thing
and yet believe you cannot have it, you will always manifest the stronger energy,
which is what you believe. Belief proceeds experience. It is not based on fact,
it is based on the intensity of energy in your belief. Believe you can have a
little health, a little health is what you will manifest, a little happiness,
a little love etc., you will manifest in exactly the same degree that you are
capable of believing. Therefore it is important not to belittle our dreams.
Well, having said all that, one can see that fantasies and dreams are important
and we need to support them in each other. They are the beginning step to creating
new realities for ourselves. They are only the beginning step however. In order
to make dreams and fantasies become reality, we have to take all the necessary
steps to create them. If you fantasize about a mate relationship but you never
leave your house to go out and meet new people, chances are you’ll end
up alone. If you say you want a new business, but you spend money faster than
you make it, chances are you won’t be able to finance a new business.
When your partner tells you of her new found hopes and fantasies, ask how she
intends to make those dreams come true. What steps is she willing to take to
insure her own success and inquire as to how you can help. Your support is important
and you need to be cautious that you don’t bring in your own fears to rain
on her parade. Remember when you stopped drinking or using and a whole new world
of possibilities opened up to you? Perhaps you are being overly cautious because
you don’t want to be disappointed.
As long as you are both grounded in the reality that you have to do the work
to make your dreams come true, let the fantasies flow! Who knows how much we
might be able to accomplish if we believed all things were possible. If our thoughts
are constantly about all the things we can’t do that is exactly what we
Remember we are a society addicted to sameness so it’s not unusual to label
those with dreams as unrealistic and ungrounded. Why risk squelshing your partner’s
dreams. If she does not have enough energy behind those dreams to carry off making
them come true, they will just evaporate. But if she does have the energy and
drive to follow through and you have been supportive, who knows what life might
hold for you both. Go for it!