Terry Real, author of New Tools for Marriage,
says, “Non-violent living is contempt free. Contempt
that is projected outward is grandiosity. Contempt
that is projected inward is shame.” That is a
huge statement in a world filled with a huge amount
We are all suffering from contemptuousness and it is
creating separation in our personal relationships and
in our world. We are angry with our parents, often
decades after perceived and or real injures have occurred.
We don’t stop to realize that, as adults, at
some point along the way we became accountable for
our own reality and quality of life and they probably
did the best they could with what they had. We like
being the victims to our parents. It gives us a false
sense of power and control. It also gives us an excuse
for not taking control of our own lives, or being lovingly
involved in theirs.
We are remain angry and contemptuous with past lovers
and mates for eons for the wrongs they inflicted upon
us, never owning that we chose them, stayed with them
and even enabled them along the way. We almost never
own our part in the demise of relationships, it’s
easier to name the villain and stay the victim.
We are contemptuous, with people who are different,
other countries, other religions, other beliefs and
those who express differences of opinion. And of course
we express contempt for our elderly and our children.
We are so contemptuous of our children that millions
are abused, trafficked, sold or abandoned every year.
We are so contemptuous of our elderly many die alone
in institutions where no one cares. We have become
an angry society whose relationships and values are
literally falling apart.
We also have contempt for ourselves. That is why we
opt for the energy of death so often, through addiction,
unattended to emotional pain and activities that kill
our spirits. We stay in abusive relationships, we choose
addicted or abusive friends and we eat nuclear waste.
And let us not forget the contempt we have for the
planet whose inhabitants we are slowly killing.
We get a false sense of being powerful when we have
someone to despise and blame and name as evil. True
power, however, always comes from our willingness to
accept that as a spiritual being, we alone created
everything in our life in service to our own soul.
We created the things that break our heart open and
we created the things that fill them with joy. Doom
and gloom? Not at all.
You can’t fix something until you are willing
to look at it and own it. It is time to commit to living
in a contempt free way both in our personal relationships
and in the world. Let’s give up the grandiosity
and opt to let go of resentments that foster greater
hostility. Think about what could happen if we decided
to ask for what we need with an authentic, non-blaming
voice that had no need to punish. You know, from the
heart. If we could just step back and see the bigger
picture. What do we really want? Is it not to be genuinely
connected with someone who loves us? Is it not to be
in a peaceful world where difference can flourish?
We have to learn to cherish each other again. We have
to learn to cherish our lives. Awareness, personal
responsibility, courage and gentleness need to be the
weapons of our heart – the weapons of today’s
warriors. We can stop when we have the tendency to
distance each other though contempt. When painful feelings
arise they are always about us, not the other person.
Taking the time to face and explore those feelings
becomes the stepping-stones to your own emotional development
and empowerment. It’s all in that precious moment
when the desire to distance arises. It’s in that
precious face across from you when you suddenly feel
a need to blame. And it’s in your own precious
heart where the truth and love always await you. Everything
in our life is an opportunity for us to step into our
own enlightened and loving power…that place where
contempt is no longer possible and only love exists.