Question: I believe my partner is using
and lying about it! She has requested we go to therapy
together and I have told her that I think this is her
problem. Shouldn't she just go alone?
I imagine some
people would like to hear me say is that this is all
your wife's fault, and she's the only one who needs
to get fixed. At a surface level, if you were not into
your own growth, that is all you might choose to hear.
Instead, I am going to assume you want to go beyond
your original question and look deeper. In my workshops,
I teach the ABCC's of relationships. Since I feel the
same principles apply here, I 'd like to use these
principles in answering your question. I am going to
pose even more questions, all of which will help you
find your own answer and identify what you are learning
in this process.
"
A" is for Awareness. People
who are aware work to create conscious relationships.
Conscious relationship means that you understand that
everything in your relationship is a 50/50 deal, and
each experience you have as a couple is a teacher for
both you and your wife. It may appear to be easier
to lay all the blame and shame onto one person, but
that would not be very conscious, or truthful. Your
wife may be using, but having a spouse who drinks or
uses and lies about it is obviously a lesson that you
signed on for, given that you are still with her. This
lesson can teach you a great deal about yourself. How
much judgment and or fear do you have about her and
her behavior? What does her behavior mean to you? Did
you enter into this relationship with the fantasy that
she was/should be perfect? Does her lack of perfection
mean that she does not love you, that you will be abandoned,
betrayed? Have you looked deeply enough inside to know
what your real limits are about this behavior? All
of these issues are your issues.
What are your Boundaries,
the "B" part of ABCC's, with reference to
being lied to, using and being in a relationship with
a partner who is not present to herself or to you?
Do you know how to set boundaries and get them respected?
How do you respond when they are not respected? How
much do you rely on your wife or her ability to maintain
sobriety to fill your needs for safety, for happiness
and comfort? Does her drinking mean that she does not
love you or does not love herself? Why do you need
her to confirm your truth about her substance abuse?
If you know she is using, what still needs to be confirmed?
Why don't you trust your own truth? Are you open to
supporting your partner in all ways?
Communication,
is the first "C." At what level are you Communicating
with each other in truth and openness? What is the
dynamic in the relationship that is preventing truthful
communication? Are you both seeking new skills for
communicating better? Are you placing the responsibility
for communication on just one person? Are you setting
time aside to practice honorable, ethical communication
together?
And the final C, what is your level of Commitment?
How much compassion are you willing to extend to your
wife, such as joining her in therapy? What is your
level of commitment to yourself, to your wife, to your
own growth and hers? What's your commitment to staying
in the process and staying present until you feel you
have learned the lessons you need to learn?
If you
are really present to your own needs and truth, you
will also know that it is legitimate to decide that
you no longer wish to be in this process with a person
who chooses not to be truthful or honorable. You may
decide that your commitment needs to be to yourself
first. But, should you decide that, do it out of respect
for yourself and without judgment, shaming, or blame
for your wife. It is her right to discover herself
and her own answers however she chooses, and unfortunately,
substances make it possible for people to postpone
these realizations until they actually hit bottom.
You can see these principles generate lot's of questions.
If you can answer all of these questions in a way that
indicates you have learned everything you can learn
and have done everything you can do to be supportive,
then, you must ask yourself why you are still in this
relationship. If your answers indicate you still have
lessons to learn for yourself, or you see ways in which
you can express more compassion and support, you may
choose to go to therapy with your wife for yourself
as well as for her. If you have judgments about who
she is, or her behavior. that are separating you or
allowing you to feel superior, you need to examine
those as well. Therapy may be a great, safe place to
do all of that.
The bottom line is -- anything you
do to or for your wife that is loving -- you do to
and for yourself as well. Anything you do to create
greater separation is also something you do to yourself
and the latter choice is about your fear.
There is
no right or wrong answer or action for you or your
wife. We are all on a journey and we get to do the
journey in our own way. It's not even a question of
right or wrong. Truthfully, there is only one answer
for every single question we have posed. In the final
analysis, there is really only one question. If you
ask this question and act on the answer, it will prove
to be right for both you and your wife. That question
is... "What is the loving thing to do for you
and for your wife?" Whether the answer is stay,
leave, go to therapy, don't go to therapy, talk about
your feelings...whatever... if you do it, you will
both win.
