So your partner comes home, you have been
feeling lonely and upset that he’s been out,
and as he walks through the door you say with a jab, ”So
glad you could find some time away from your friends
to finally come home and be with me!” And that’s
where it starts. Your partner gets defensive and before
you know it you are each in different corners feeling
wounded and confused about what just happened.
When we lose our authentic voice in relationships, we often create a communication
dynamic that is destined to end up in an adversarial feeling of either disconnection
or betrayal. Take a look. (Some examples from Daniel B Wile, Ph.D. Collaborative
Couple Therapy)
Choice
Example
Result
Attack
Makes Partner An Enemy
“Why
do you spend more time
with your friends than you spend with me?”
Triggers
an
adversarial response.
Avoidance
Makes Partner a
Stranger
I’ll
say nothing and kill a part of
myself emotionally in hope that the feeling will
go away.
If
enough of you leaves emotionally,
eventually
you’ll leave too.
Intimidate/ Interrogate
Makes Partner Victim or a Victimizer
“I may as well leave since the only people
you talk to are your friends.” “You better
start talking to me or I’ll find someone else
to talk to.”
Creates a fear dynamic and creates a lack of
safety.
Compliance
Makes partner
invalid or non-existent
“ Have
it your way, spend all your time with your friends.”
You check out and the relationship dies.
There is a better way. Use your authentic voice and
say what you mean.
When You Find Your Voice and Use It:
Choice
Example
Result
Confide
Makes your partner an ally or friend.
“I
hate to admit it but I miss you and I am a jealous
of all the time you are spending with your friends.”
Creates
empathy and understanding Creates intimacy and compassion.
Many of
us are afraid to be vulnerable in relationships because
we have been taught that vulnerability is a bad thing
that makes us weak and puts us at risk. Actually, just
the opposite is true. Standing vulnerably in your truth
is a great place of power and takes immense courage.
Relationships that are not built on truth don’t
have a chance. If you are courageous enough to tell
me your true feelings in an authentic way, the end
result for me is greater respect for you and a feeling
of increased trust is us as a couple. Being vulnerable
in a relationship is a way of saying, I trust you with
my innermost feelings. If you don’t feel you
can do that with your partner, then it’s time
to work on issues of trust in the relationship and
find out what is creating the lack of safety.
Some of the things that create a lack of safety are:
•
The absence of clear boundaries about what can be shard or not shared out side
of the relationship.
•
Couples who have used intimate exchanges later as ammunition in an argument.
•
Unclear contracts about where we are in our relationship or commitment.
•
A lack of communication.
Saying what you mean does not guarantee that you always get what you want. What
it does guarantee is deeper intimacy and greater depth to your connection with
each other because there is honesty.
Pleeeeze don’t use the lame excuse that you are not telling the truth simply
because you don’t want to hurt the other person. People who say that are
really saying they don’t want to deal with the fall out that telling the
truth will create. If you know there is going to be fall out, you are either
lying to cover your own butt, or in essence, saying that you don’t respect
your partner enough to tell him or her the truth. Step up and be honest. The
truth may not always be comfortable, but is it ALWAYS HEALING. And if this person
in your life is deserving of your love, they are also deserving of the truth.
Give it as a gift, no with a sledge hammer, but with love and compassion – but
give it.
Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan - Coaching
for Individuals and Couples Telephone: (602)997-1200 FAX: (602)997-0970
Call for appointments, schedule
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