uealse Dr. Dina Evan's Columns

Good News – Bad News

What’s that saying about the road that’s paved with good intentions? Well no doubt this year we will all make our list of the things we intend to change after the New Year. Then, about 2 days or 20 minutes, after this resolution has made with fists in the air and a loud proclamation– exactly where do we find ourselves but right back in the old behavior, only more guilt ridden and beating ourselves up. Well, it’s a good news, bad new situation. The good news is that in a country that loves getting off the hook this phenomenon really may not be completely our fault.

Scientists are now proving that all those thoughts we have been having, relative to certain habits or feelings about ourselves, actually change the typography of our brain. With each thought, negative or positive, electromagnetic impulses and certain chemicals travel faster than the speed of light from one neuron or atom in your brain to another. As they travel they leave behind a shadow image or impression in the brain called a bouton which creates a track not unlike an old model-T Ford going down a dirt road. Once you have had the same thought a number of times (Deepak Chopra says we have the same 60,000 thoughts everyday), you create a track that becomes very hard to get out of, exactly like an addiction. Your brain becomes accustomed to these chemicals and impulses and begins to respond accordingly creating a craving for them.

Now as if that were not enough, we also have little neuronets in our brains. These are created when one cell or atom reaches out and connects to another brain cell like itself that has the same energy. Einstein taught us that like energy draws like energy and your brain is a perfect example of this. When a craving or need or thought ignites the atoms and cells, they start to draw to themselves other atoms that are similar in order to sustain themselves an create neuronets. The problem is that these little neuronets are feed by every thought pattern, negative or positive, that you have. So, if you feel like you are not loveable and you have had that thought a million times in different forms, can you even imagine how hard it might be to believe that someone loves you!

Some people love to beat themselves up. They do this because it releases the guilt they have. For instance if I lie or cheat, and then I really do a number on myself esteem about it, the chemicals I need to feel better start to flow when I beat myself up and before long I am able to forgive myself. Or, let’s say I love to eat. I overeat and then I berate myself until I feel I have had enough and I can forgive myself. We are actually addicted to the chemicals that our brain produces to feel better even if they are produced in a negative way.

So, with great determination and resolutions in hand where does all this leave us? In order to change our behavior we must become the master of our brain and begin to redirect this energy in a positive way. In other words, we need to lay positive tracks in our brain and set up positive neuronets from which we begin to act, make decisions and live. This is done by inputting, saying, repeating, acting on, and believing positive information that begins to change the typography of our brain. The old computer whizzes used to say garbage in, garbage out. They had no idea they were talking about our brain. We were on the right track with positive affirmations; we just didn’t go far enough to see what was happening physiologically.

Once you have inputted a new belief and the level of energy is at or more than at least 51% of the old belief, you will have created a new track and enough neuronets to begin living from your new belief. The far easterners believe that anything introduced into mind 108 times for 108 days becomes permanent, hence their meditation or prayer beads. We are now beginning to realize that we are not our mind. Instead we are something beyond that. As you read this article and take this information in, who is doing the thinking about what you read as you read it? That is that part of you that has the capacity to change your mind – figuratively and literally.

Remember I said this was a good news bad news deal. Well the bad news is that that old track never goes away even after new neuronets have been created. So you might be going along feeling filled up with love and suddenly you are in the dumps feeling worthless. The good news is you get to remember that it’s only the old track raising its ugly head and you can choose to get back on the new track immediately.

As I often tell my clients, once you know a thing you can never not know it. So I guess none of us have any excuses any longer. Right? Happy New Year, now you really can make it different.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

The Key to Enlightenment

I walked right into it. At an Institute of Noetic Sciences Conference this month, an audience of some 800 people was asked to choose a person in the audience nearest to them and do an exercise.  The exercise was to find the issue in the world today that breaks your heart and talk about it with your partner. I had been out of the room and when I returned there was a white-haired gentleman about 76, standing alone at the very back of the room near where I had been sitting. I asked him to tell me what the exercise was and asked whether he would be interested in working with me.

He agreed, and I offered to let him go first. As he began to talk his voice started to shake.

“I am a doctor,“ he said, “and I go to Nigeria or Darfur three or four times a year to work with the children there.”  He caught his breath and continued, “You have no idea the shocking filth, the lack of clean water and lack of food that they endure. Every child is emaciated, devastated by famine or illness. Everywhere in Africa you see in the eyes of mothers holding dying children the demoralizing fear and disbelief that we are not stopping it. Here we sit in this fancy air-conditioned hotel, sleeping on clean sheets and fluffy pillows and eating great food while they have nothing. They are grateful for anything and everything.”

He had to stop as he began to sob. After he composed himself he went on to tell me the extent to which he felt unbelievable guilt and sadness at what was happening.

The pain most often endured by the heart on the way to the fulfillment of one’s life’s purpose is an experience most people cannot find the courage for and dare not go through.  As he wiped his eyes I looked around the room at a sea of people who all had the courage to speak of what breaks their hearts. They were crying, holding each other and adding to the hum of quiet, soft talking that filled the room. When he was finished, I too now in tears, shared with him my utter despair about the extent of child abuse in this country and around the world, child trafficking, abductions and child labor. I talked of the years, the hours and courage it took for my clients to heal their horrific pasts.  We took deep breaths. We held each other.  We understood each other.

At the end of this exercise, the facilitator said to each of us, “This is where your passion is. This is where your purpose is. This is where your work is.”

In that moment I realized that finding one’s purpose and passion was as simple and going to the places where our hearts break.  Willa Cather said,  “Miracles…seem to rest not so much on faces or voices or healing power coming to us from far off, but upon our perceptions being made fine, so that for a moment our eyes can see and our ears can hear what there is here, about us, always.”  The opportunity for a miracle is everywhere. The opportunity to fulfill our purpose is right in front of us—it is living deeply in our true passion.

It’s no great news to anyone that we are on the edge of defining who we are as human beings—one way or the other. If ever there was a time to check inside and find the passion, it is now. However, it won’t be found in the writing of a check, the sending of an email or in the reading of an article. It won’t be found in anything even a breaths distance from the pain in this world. The truth is that our hearts must break open in order for us to evolve. That means we must get in it,  up close and personal. It must cost us something emotionally. It must remind us in unrelenting, searing experiences that what happens to any one of us, happens to all of us.

No one on this earth, living today, will ever have this opportunity again. This particular moment in which we stand on the edge of greatness or greed will never come again.  It is clear that you and I are creating our future —or not. If not, no one is likely to be here in the not too distant future to know the difference. The opportune time to find your passion is now. The opportune time to make a difference is now. The opportune time to fulfill your purpose is now. Find the thing that breaks your heart and gratefully embrace it. It’s your key to enlightenment.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

A Potpourri of Light: Yours. Mine and Ours

True spirituality comes in as many forms as there are people. If you want to see Spirit in color, you look at a flower.  If you want to see Spirit in flight, look at a bird. If you want to see Spirit with power, you stand beside the ocean. Your greatest spirituality can be nestled in a desire for soul deep connecting with your beloved. We all perceive Divine energy in different ways.  The more conscious you are, the more you are able to see Divine energy in all things – even in a partner who believes differently than you do.  In fact, a person who professes no belief in God at all may still be very spiritual because he or she is highly principled or is someone who loves and respects the inherent beauty of the earth.

Religious leaders and masters who are truly evolved understand there are threads of truth in every belief system and each of us gets to choose the one to which we most relate for ourselves.  Truly evolved, spiritual people don’t judge each other’s beliefs.  Neither do they attempt to control each other by recruiting,  shaming or attempting to frighten others into believing their way. When we are afraid, we want those around us to believe as we do.  After all, we think, if you believe as I do, then I must be right!  If you believe differently than I do, then perhaps I am wrong.  Not necessarily.

In a relationship where two people believe differently there are great opportunities to learn about ones self.  Partners get to learn about your level of tolerance for difference and your level of safety with letting each other be whomever he or she is, and believe however  he or she wants to believe. While standing in the differences, you have an opportunity to open your heart and experience the joy or grace that your partner may be experiencing from his or her perspective or belief system.

It could be great fun to take turns in sharing these experiences and knowledge.  I know a number of couples that celebrate the Winter solstice with both Hanukkah  candelabrum or menorah and a Christmas tree. When your love for someone is sincere and not based upon your need for sameness, you find that it is easy to support your partner in activities that are soul enriching because they bring your partner closer to the Divine. It doesn’t really matter what they are because you still benefit from this character building belief system.

If you are with someone who professes no belief in religion or spirituality, you still have a place for growth. Emmet Fox in THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT says,” The quickest way to spread your truth to those you love is by living it yourself. The most important commitment is the one you make to your own soul’s evolvement.  Therefore, as you continue to walk your path, each step you take toward enriching your own relationship with your spirituality will result in deepening your relationship with your partner.

Relationships are inherently a classroom for the work of the soul.  In the space between where two people meet, in the center of difference, there is an opportunity for learning a great deal about yourself.  Although you may truly long for your partner to join you in the special ways you worship or practice your faith, not having them do so allows for the opportunity to let your self connect deeply with others who share your faith.  It gives you a chance to broaden your support group and test your willingness to be vulnerable and connected at a soul level with someone with whom you are not in an intimate relationship.  Too often we expect that our partner should be the sole source for all of our support and learning.  In this circumstance where you must learn to reach out beyond your mate relationship, you may find the world is filled with others who can enrich your life and align with you in your beliefs.

Think about what a gift you will give yourself and your partner when you are able to look across the table at your mate, beyond the form of their belief system or lack of it, and see the spiritual nature and true essence of your beloved. There is a spirit in there and when you are able to connect to it, the form it takes will become irrelevant. Love is all that is left and that is the highest form of spirituality.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

It’s Your Choice

One of the greatest gifts in the Universe is free will. Amazingly, we still don’t understand the impact of the reality that we each, individually, get to create our lives exactly the way we want them to be – through choice.

We have all experienced that odd sensation in the pit of our stomach when we are about to take a step or make a decision that will bring negative consequences. The Universe, having been designed in such a way that allows us to learn from our experiences, does not interfere with these choices. No punishment. No reward. Only consequences to each choice. The Universe simply responds as directed and as it was designed to respond. If reason, intuition, moral convictions or our emotions are not taken into account in our decision making process, the ensuing results may not be pleasant. Having ignored how the Universe works, we may then stand around scratching our head, wondering why it appears the world is out to get us. It’s not. We simply are not listening.

There is an internal voice inside each of us that knows exactly what is right and what is aligned with our spirit and what is not. Taking the time to examine our choices and the consequences of each one is part of the planetary curriculum. If we refuse to do that we will continue to repeat the same mistakes. Clearly every choice is a teacher in service to our soul, however we can, when acting from path and not past pain or pathology, reduce the level of pain and chaos in our lives by making more enlightened choices. The decision to listen to one’s inner wisdom or higher guidance and surrender to process is not an act of passive giving up, but rather, a powerful act of consciousness.

It’s time to stop playing small or dumb and pretending that we don’t know and life is doing it to us. We are doing life exactly as we choose. That’s called taking personal responsibility. If you stop right now and review that last painful choice you made. I will bet you that you can trace back to the exact moment when something inside you said, Don’t go here, but you did it anyway. That is your ego working over time. He’ll ultimate fall in love with me even though he says he does not feel that way right now. She’ll leave her partner and be with me. I hate this job but I’ll make the best of it. I know I can’t afford this but I’ll work it out. I deserve to eat this chocolate cake. Yada. Yada. Yada. You get the point.

When we learn how to trust the deep wisdom of our being, life loosens up, gets exciting and you start to see the possibilities in a whole new light. Whether you call this living intentionally, or higher consciousness, what you are really doing is aligning your heart and mind with the way the Universe actually works. In other words you are reading and using the directions for increasing the quality of your life.

Everyone has an idea of how your life ought to look and what he or she wants from you. Learning to trust that your inner wisdom is the highest authority – no, the only authority and it is a great gift to yourself. It’s stops the chaos and drama. It cleans up ethical issues and it provides you with the greatest possibility of success in every area of your life. We have been taught that we are victims to our circumstances and on the periphery of our reality only responding to life as it happens to us. Now we are beginning to understand that we are the center of our own universe, creating everything that happens in it. You are not separate from your choices! You are your choices and you are living the consequences of every one of them.

So, take a deep breath and the next time that wee small or loud resounding voice inside says, Wait a minute, stop and listen. Make a decision from the center of your own being and save yourself the countless hours of cleaning up the mess. And, if you are in a circumstance from some bad past decision, remember that it is never too late to respect yourself with a new decision that is more honoring. Take the risk of finding out you are your own best master.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Was God Wrong?

I think God got it backwards. By the time you have all the tools and start to understand how this wondrous system called life works, your body starts to fall apart. What was She thinking?

When you are young you have so many ideas about how life works and what it all means. And then it changes and you wake up about the time you hit 40 something. In my youth, we disciplined children and set reasonable limits, now we indulge them and set no limits in order to build self-esteem. Of course, since the world does not function in that way, once these kids arrive in the world as adults who expect to be pampered, they fail.

We have pushed out the limits of our sexuality so far that there is no longer anything special, exclusive and sacred about what we can offer our beloved. The same thing gets offered to everyone.

We have abused our power and called it leadership. We have closed our minds and called it discipline. We have lost value for human beings and called it productivity. We have disconnected from nature and called it progress. We have fallen into dogma and doctrine and called it religious freedom. We proclaim a love for humanity and freedom and attempt to achieve it through execution and war – all the while refusing to let those who suffer from terminal illnesses end their pain. We’ve traded soul work for stock portfolios. We create a billon dollar industry abusing children, women and men with pornography and called it freedom of expression. We beat ourselves up unmercifully for where ever we are in life and push and prod ourselves beyond reasonable limits and call it ambition. And then suddenly, it hits you at about age 40. None of this feels very good. None of this really seems to fit the truth of who we are. None of this is very satisfying.

Then, in some unexpected statement out of some innocent’s mouth, in some timbering flash of awareness, in some comic jolt to the psyche – a window to the mind gets opened and fresh new sunlight starts to filter in and somehow new priorities creep through in a way that is so refreshing to your soul. You begin to breathe deeper and a new understanding creeps into your cells that makes you aware that everything is really fine somehow. Everything is, in fact, exactly as it should be. All that limited thinking and self-induced writhing, all that batting at and bumping up against the world like a blind child with outstretched arms had a purpose. This whole damn exercise was about you getting to this point in life where things begin to make sense.

You suddenly realize in some bitter-sweet euphony, that you have been the one who created every thought, every action – every reality in your whole life through your own choices and thoughts. You suddenly get that every experience and every individual in your life, whether perceived as good or bad, was a master teacher in service to your own soul. All those people you thought did you in – wrong! You did yourself in when you called them into your life and chose to dance with them. It was all perfect because of everything you learned. You find an awareness creeping slowly into your body at a cellular level that says, Wait a minute, if you created the past, you can now create the future differently with different choices – more loving and self-respecting ones. And then and there you have it. You are finally awake – at about age 40 something. Freedom has finally and truly arrived. It is an exquisite, mind-boggling, spine-tingling awareness – with one exception – there are no more excuses!

So what do we do with it? Nothing – everything – just be it. I guess the truth is that if I had come to this when I was in my twenties, I would not have appreciated it so much. I would not have felt such compassion and love both for myself or others. I would not have that certain sense of pride and self-respect from making different choices.

I guess the exquisite wisdom is after all, that until you get to some place near the end, it is impossible to know that the whole point, is the journey itself.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Just the Three of Us

Relationships are my specialty. I get to watch them as they fall apart in order to fall back into place in my office. I have a very high success rate but it’s not necessarily about me. It is about the couples who come to the understanding that relationships, any relationships, are about sacred contracts and how we deal with them. The people who heal and hold it all together are the ones that know every response they have is about them personally and solely, their integrity, level of honesty and presence. No matter how many tools couples may accumulate, without understanding that simple principle, relationships don’t work. Relationships are a sacred trust. So, one could say that without an element of spirituality in our relationships, they are not complete.

Spirituality doesn’t necessarily mean religion, dogma or doctrine although those things may serve us on our path to getting to true consciousness. Spirituality, I think we can all agree, means having integrity. A spiritual person may be one who simply loves the earth and is dedicated to caring for her. It may be someone who has an uncommon love for mankind or an intention to deliberately live life in a conscious way. In relationships, being spiritual means being real and truthful. It means being present and committed to mutually agreed upon stated contacts and agreements. It means having compassion and a sense of the sacred about this person who has committed to you.

We are often act cavalier about each other’s feelings. We say things that are meant to intentionally hurt. We do things that are intentionally meant to cause mistrust and uncertainty. We talk about each other to other people not caring about the impact it has on the perception of the person listening. We break confidences. We break contracts. We break hearts. We lose a sense of civility. We act in ways that display total disregard for the tenderness of the spirit inside our beloved. And, all of that is about us…not the other person.

Partners who are willing to take personal responsibility for every response they have in a relationship find relationships to be the greatest soul school on the planet. It tests our integrity, our compassion, our honesty and our level of presence. When partners take ownership of their own feelings and responses, the real work of relationship begins and the result is profound growth and deeper intimacy. Partners need to lay their problems out on the table and talk openly about why they respond in certain ways to circumstances and issues. They need to identify and articulate the emotions behind these behaviors in order to understand and change them. Very often this understanding alone creates healing and stops the cycle of abusive behavior. Very few people want to be deliberately hurtful. Most of the time the behaviors that create separation originate out of fear and a lack of faith in ourselves.

When we are able to communicate openly about issues, partners are able to create new solutions. The most important element to creating this kind of deeper dialog is trust. These conversations must be dealt with honorably and not discussed outside the relationship unless with a professional or by mutual agreement.

In my books Break Up or Break Through (for non-traditional relationships) and The Trouble with Marriage (for traditional relationships) it became clear as I interviewed couples that the basic principles of successful relationships were simple. Be honest. Stay present. Act out of love. With these three principles any issues about money, sex or life challenges were easily resolved.

The greatest gift you can give your partner and your relationship is to understand the sacred value of both and to treat your partner and the relationship as a gift that deserves open on-going communication. Couples who commit even one hour week to just listening to their partner and understanding how their partner feels found their relationships deepened and grew. In today’s society with all the pressures of success, this kind of commitment seldom happens unless it is actually booked in the day planner and treated and a sacred trust and priority. Couples need to understand that they are not responsible for each other’s feeling, nor do they have to fix these feelings or provide solutions. The finest gift one can give is to simply listen and understand how your partner’s truth is true for him or her. You can download a communication exercise off my site http://www.In-Two-One.com if you do not have one of the books and begin this process today. After 25 years of practice, I can honestly say the couples who do this stay together and resolve their issues and the ones who never find time are often back in my office rehashing the same problems.

Do yourself a favor and bring the element of sacred connection back to your relationship though ethical communication. The gifts you will receive are amazing.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Eclectic Spirits

Do you think it is possible to create a successful relationship when one individual is of one faith or religious belief and the other follows another type of belief – or perhaps isn’t in to spirituality of any kind? Not only is it possible to create successful relationships under these circumstances, but, you may also discover great opportunities for broadening your understanding, releasing judgment and increasing your compassion. True spirituality, after all, comes in as many forms as there are people.

Last Easter morning, three of the people in my spirituality group gathered at my dining room table each with a special reading, gift of poetry or message from their individual faith. One woman practices Wicca white magic, another brought a reading from her last twelve step meeting, another shared from her past experience as a nun and I brought my metaphysical experience. We each sat for a moment in silence, then lit a candle as we shared a message or ritual close to our hearts about rebirth, spring and beginning all things new. At the end of our process the energy in the room was alive with love. The confluence of our energy had brought us into such a united space that no one wanted to move. We just quietly let ourselves be filled up with the joy and blessing in our diversity. Though we each had come from different disciplines, each person’s offering had a special impact that was positive and timely for us individually.

God as we perceive Him/Her, or The Universal Energy is not limited. If you want to see Spirit in color you look at a flower. If you want to see Spirit in flight look at a bird. If you want to see Spirit with power, you stand beside the ocean. One’s spirituality can be evident in a desire for soul deep connecting with a beloved. We all perceive Divine energy in different ways. The more conscious you are, the more you are able to see Divine energy in all things, even in a partner who believes differently than you do. In fact, a person who professes no belief in God at all may still be very spiritual because he or she is highly principled, or is someone who loves and respects the inherent beauty of the earth.

Religious leaders and masters who are truly evolved understand there are threads of truth in every belief system and each of us must choose that which we most relate to for ourselves. Truly evolved, spiritual people do not judge each other’s beliefs. Neither do they attempt to control each other by recruiting them, shaming them or attempting to frighten them into believing their way. Judgment comes from a base of fear and a need for control. When we are afraid, we want those around us to believe as we do. After all, we think, if you believe as I do, then I must be right. If you believe differently than I do, then perhaps I am wrong. Not necessarily.

In a relationship where two people believe differently there are great opportunities to learn about yourselves. You get to learn about your level of tolerance for difference and your level of safety with letting your partner be who ever he or she is, and believe however he or she wants to believe. While standing in the differences, you have an opportunity to open your heart and experience the joy or grace your partners may be experiencing from their perspective. When your love for someone is sincere, and not based upon your need for sameness, you find that it is easy to support your partner in activities that are soul enriching and bring your partner closer to the Divine, regardless of the form.

Relationships are inherently a classroom for the work of the soul. In the space between where two people meet there is an opportunity for learning a great deal about yourself. Although you may truly long for your partner to join you in the special ways you worship or practice your faith, not having them do so, allows for the opportunity to let your self connect deeply with others who share your faith. It gives you a chance to broaden your support group and test your willingness to be vulnerable and connected at a soul level with someone with whom you are not in an intimate relationship. Too often we expect that our partner should be the sole source for all of our support and learning. In this circumstance where you must learn to reach out beyond your mate relationship, you may find the world is filled with others who can enrich your life and align with you in your beliefs.

Think about what a gift you will give yourself and your partner when you are able to look across the table at your mate, beyond the form of their belief system or lack of it, and see the spiritual nature and true essence of your beloved. There is a spirit in there, and when you are able to connect to it, the form it takes will become irrelevant. Love is all that is left and that is the highest form of spirituality.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Better Than The Fantasy

“Now that my partner is sober, she’s talking about her dreams and all the things that she wants to accomplish in life. Is this fantasy or reality and how should I respond?” This question comes up very often in therapy from the spouses of newly sober partners and mates.

Having a vivid imagination is a great gift, after all, our reality gets created energetically by moving from idea- to thought- to image- to word- to concept and then finally to reality. Since everything we think and feel at the moment is based upon the past, it is clear that without imagination or fantasy, we could not create new realities for ourselves.

The future isn’t here yet. And since all we have as a reference point is the past, if we don’t use imagination or fantasy, we can inadvertantly bring the same old limitations from our little red wagon of the past into the “now” in order to create the future. Without imagination or fantasy, we could be stuck in our past, unable to create anything new for ourselves. Remember, the saying “you create exactly what you concentrate on.” The old adage “what you think you will become” has a strong element of truth. You cannot create what you cannot imagine. It’s not in your reality to do so.

On a scientific level, Einstein taught us energy and matter are two different forms of the same thing. Thoughts, fantasies and beliefs and the words that carry them are the energy that creates reality. “Thought and fantasy ” energy are very powerful.

On a physiological level, we can also see how this is true. Neurons or brain cells pass your beliefs and thoughts from one cell to the other via electromagnetic energy and chemicals that produce a response in the brain. That response produces a response in your body and ultimately the two combined produce your reality. Each time a thought passes from one neuron to the other via synapses, it leaves an imprint or impression the French call a bouton. The more of these boutons created, the easier it becomes to simply accept a belief as a reality. In other words, it takes less and less energy to believe a negative belief or positive belief if you have concentrated on either for a long period of time. You just behaving as if that feeling is a fact. It’s similar to an old Model-T Ford that goes down a dirt road so many times that it wears a track into the road that it can no longer get out of. The key is repetition. Accumulative thoughts change the very typography of the brain. The more thoughts and fantasies we have about a thing, the more energy is created -the less effort it takes to believe them. Even the AMA agrees that 80% of what goes on in the body begins in the mind. I think 100% of our reality and health is created there.

Everything you see and experience in life began first in mind or imagination with fantasy, word and thought. Think about it! Is there anything you can name that did not first begin in mind? How powerful that makes you. It means we have the control over our reality at a very profound level. You have control over creating what you really want. You also create what you are in lack of. Fantasy, dreams and thought are the first order of all reality. Right now you are experiencing in your life, all the beliefs and dreams you had yesterday and tomorrow you will experience all the beliefs, fantasies and thoughts you have today. There is one kicker however; DESIRE AND BELIEF ARE NOT UNITED!

Belief is always stronger than desire in energy. So, if you desire one thing and yet believe you cannot have it, you will always manifest the stronger energy, which is what you believe. Belief proceeds experience. It is not based on fact, it is based on the intensity of energy in your belief. Believe you can have a little health, a little health is what you will manifest, a little happiness, a little love etc., you will manifest in exactly the same degree that you are capable of believing. Therefore it is important not to belittle our dreams.

Well, having said all that, one can see that fantasies and dreams are important and we need to support them in each other. They are the beginning step to creating new realities for ourselves. They are only the beginning step however. In order to make dreams and fantasies become reality, we have to take all the necessary steps to create them. If you fantasize about a mate relationship but you never leave your house to go out and meet new people, chances are you’ll end up alone. If you say you want a new business, but you spend money faster than you make it, chances are you won’t be able to finance a new business.

When your partner tells you of her new found hopes and fantasies, ask how she intends to make those dreams come true. What steps is she willing to take to insure her own success and inquire as to how you can help. Your support is important and you need to be cautious that you don’t bring in your own fears to rain on her parade. Remember when you stopped drinking or using and a whole new world of possibilities opened up to you? Perhaps you are being overly cautious because you don’t want to be disappointed.

As long as you are both grounded in the reality that you have to do the work to make your dreams come true, let the fantasies flow! Who knows how much we might be able to accomplish if we believed all things were possible. If our thoughts are constantly about all the things we can’t do that is exactly what we will create…nothing!

Remember we are a society addicted to sameness so it’s not unusual to label those with dreams as unrealistic and ungrounded. Why risk squelshing your partner’s dreams. If she does not have enough energy behind those dreams to carry off making them come true, they will just evaporate. But if she does have the energy and drive to follow through and you have been supportive, who knows what life might hold for you both. Go for it!

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Bound to Happen or Bad Rap?

There is something magnificent about the back of a woman’s neck or the gentle sloping curve of her hip – or his. There’s a certain kind of splendor to silk slipping sensuously off a shoulder and yet, even these delectable delights are not the makings of real intimacy or love. Although these sensations can usher us into a temporary state of ecstasy, seldom are they able to maintain the excitement over the long haul. It’s not fun making love with someone you don’t respect or trust. Mind-blowing sex that is transformational and moves through to the soul, in a sustained way, starts in the heart and works it’s way down to other body parts. Even the most sexually liberated of men will admit they too long for a deeper connection, and have difficulty finding it, which drives their urge for multiple partners.

Bed death occurs slowly. This terminal process starts long before we get to bed. As couples we connect on four levels: intellectual, spiritual, emotional and physical. Bed death begins insidiously the moment we start to disconnect on any of these levels. It begins when we stop talking about what we need and want or how we really feel in a relationship. It starts when we are no longer connected spiritually or share a mutual purpose and path. It can begin when we stop being affectionate with each other or when we start to lose respect for our partner. Bed death is a symptom, not the disease.

Being in a conscious relationship requires a certain amount of courage. Looking at real problems can be scary. It can also be liberating and connecting. Every couple in my practice who begins to reconnect through meaningful communication and problem solving, reports a renewed sense of sensuality and sexuality in their relationships. Oddly enough, they start having fun in bed again.
Some of the main factors that contribute to bed death are:

1. A lack of courage in dealing with unresolved issues.
2. An unwillingness to express one’s truth or real feelings
3. Denial about the impact of having a non-sexual relationship
4. Acting out through emotional or sexual affairs
5. Holding secrets that evoke guilt or shame
6. A lack of true commitment to conscious relationship

Bed death is seldom really about body image, body type or physical issues. Even the most Rubenesque of bodies can and do have outrageous sexual lives.

Do you want an insurance policy against bed death? OK. First you have to know that in real relationships where there is real intimacy – there is no experience of bed death. And, you have to realize real relationships are not for sissies. That means you have to be willing to do the work to keep the love and sexuality alive. Here ’s how.

Make sure that your partner stays a best friend. Do what you need to do in the form of communication, time alone and soulful exploration to deepen the connection between you.

Make sure that you are not getting distracted outside the relationship because you are afraid of intimacy inside of it. Intimacy means profoundly interior or “most within.” There may be times when you are getting so close, perhaps closer than you have ever been to any other human being, and so you sabotage the process by disconnecting physically. People who are afraid to go farther out into the ocean of intimacy will often disconnect physically first.

Make sure that kindness is the overriding quality of your exchange with your partner. Criticism, belittling, demeaning are features of a relationship that is seething with unresolved anger. Unresolved anger makes it impossible for people to feel safe in bed. They’ll pass.

The minute you start thinking you know what your partner wants and needs in bed – start being curious about what you don’t know! Taking it for granted that there is some level of knowing about each other that we reach in relationships that then stays static, completely misses the point that we are ever changing human beings who are growing and discovering new aspects of ourselves daily. What your partner liked yesterday he or she might hate today. Ask. Don’t tell.

Finally, get the “O” out of Oh My God, Too much emphasis on orgasm can take all the fun out of passion and stifle the desire. Sexy maneuvers, tricks and techniques take the passion out of lovemaking and move it directly into becoming mechanical. When you are making love to your partner as a gift of simple pleasure, the orgasm becomes secondary to the sensual intimacy and joy of connection. The fastest way to get the performance anxiety out of lovemaking is to stop the performance and get into the loving. If you need a gentle, safe way to reconnect, you can get an exercise designed to help you simply by emailing me at DrDBE@attglobal.net.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Ten Ways to Improve Your Relationship in 2007

It’s what we say we want. It’s what we long for before it arrives. We daydream about it, imagine it, visualize it, pray for it and then when it finally comes…we ignore it and give it the least attention. Time to tune up your love life. Here are ten ways to kick up the fire in your relationship.

1. Go First! The attitude of you go first is a killer. It creates an emotional standoff and environment of fear because problems are not being addressed. If you care about your relationship and your partner, have the courage to say so. Speak up about the issues and make a commitment to fix them. The thing that kills most relationships is denial, which can, if you let it, go on for years. Opting for the status quo is nothing more than a lack of courage on your part. Ultimately, you’ll be sitting in my office, or someone else’s, hearing “How could you not know I was so unhappy, you boob?”

2. Stop taking your partner for granted. I don’t care how long you have been together, get over yourself, you really don’t know everything there is to know about your mate. In fact, you could sit across from him or her for the next hundred years and still not know every hope for the future, every fear, every dream, and every vulnerable spot in your partner’s heart. Get curious about what your partner really feels. If you are both vital and changing each day, this is not the same person to whom you committed years ago and it could be exciting to find out who he or she has become over the years.

3. Check your report card. Once a year go on a retreat, no friends, and no distractions and find out how you are doing as a partner. Yes I said how you are doing! If you are doing your part to keep love alive, why on earth would your partner wander? Relationships are not about the other person. They are about you. They are about your capacity for compassion, your need for sameness, your ability to forgive, your ability to stay present with an open heart, and your character.

4. Renew your enthusiasm. Create date nights, leave love notes, and ask questions about how your partner feels, even if the answers make you uncomfortable. Remind your self that the bit pudgy, or bit older person that has been sitting across from you for several years has the same glorious spirit he or she had the day you met and a quick look in the mirror will remind you that growing older is inevitable for both of you, not an indication you should leave or shop for someone younger.

5. Overcome your fear of abandonment or failure. Relationships fail, more often than not, from a lack of attention or denial than they do from couples who fight fair. When you emotionally leave your relationship, your partner feels that disconnect and eventually one of you will physically leave. It’s worse being in a relationship and feeling lonely than it is being single and feeling lonely At least if you are single there are options.

6. Stop acting small. Take a minute to look back at the series of things in your life you have never addressed or issues you walked away from. Then ask yourself, Am I living life fully? Do I have a rich rewarding life or is something always missing. The thing that is missing is You! Get in the game. Talk about your feelings and needs. Ask for time and create processes to go deeper.

7. Learn to tolerate and enjoy discomfort. The truth is always healing even though it may not always be comfortable. So your partner is not pleased with something you are doing. Would you prefer that he or she hash it out with the best friend as resentment and distance builds? Or, would you like a chance to fix it. Here’s a headline. It is not your job in a relationship to be perfect. Relationships give us a chance and a place to grow. We all have to make adjustments in relationships. That what they do…make us better people.

8. Take care of yourself. It’s your job to make sure that you are healthy and attractive, no matter what your age or size. If you are letting yourself go, no doubt your partner will be picking up the pieces when you have a stoke or heart attack. Make sure that if you love your partner, that you come first in the care department. That way you will be around for the good years.

9. Make a difference. If you are working on your relationship and everything is going well, there is nothing that creates deeper connection that working together to make a difference in the world. Volunteer to work with AIDS, kids or the elderly. Be conscious about what is going on in the world and commit to making it better.

10. Finally, find a place to feed your spirit. You don’t necessarily need the dogma or doctrine of organized religion, although there is nothing wrong with that either, but we all do need a place to get our character and sense of spirit reflected back to us. Right now more than ever before we need a strong moral compass that aligns with our own spirit. Find a place to strengthen that.

You’ll notice not much was said here about sex. My sense is that if you are doing all these steps, no doubt something fabulous will arise. Have a fantastic New Year.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.