uealse Co-Dependency - Dr. Dina Evan's Columns

Archive for the ‘Co-Dependency’ Category

If You Really Loved Me

Q: Every year in June I get my hopes up thinking I’ll receive a really nice anniversary gift, flowers or something that says. “I Love You.” Why does it seem the love moves out after the lover moves in?

Years ago in California, I had a client whose husband was a brain surgeon. Each year on their anniversary he out did himself with one expensive gift after another, each better and bigger than the last. Guess what. My client never felt loved by him and eventually she took her children and left. She never felt loved by him because the most important things that he could give her were never offered. Presence. Compassion. Care. Truth. Honesty. Support. Instead, she got yet another Judith Leiber Bag or diamond tennis bracelet. None of which kept her warm or helped her to feel loved. What she felt, was empty.

Relationships are the toughest and, at the same time, the most rewarding gift of any. Like love itself, they are filled with the most frightening energy of intimacy and at the same time, the most profound possibility. That is, if you are really present and doing the work. And, now is the time to begin doing your work. We are living in very special times when we are able to see the result of our effort very quickly and more profoundly than ever before. Haven’t you noticed that lately that you no sooner think of a thing – fearful or loving – before it manifests in some way, in some form in your life? Do your feelings seem deeper and more available than before? The energy around us is now most supportive of spiritual growth and conscious awareness, so, this is a great time to begin to use your relationship as your own personal spiritual tool for enlightenment. After all, it’s the best tool your have.

If you are ready, I have some important steps you can take for deepening your relationship. These are not for those folks still in relationship kindergarten who are sleeping around, lying and telling people what they want to hear. These are for those of you who are ready for deep meaningful relationships. Committing to these goals may be the best gift you could give each other for Valentines day. I’d love to hear about your process. Write and tell me what you discover in yourself and in your beloved. Most of all, have fun!

Seven Steps to Creating Conscious Relationships

1. I Commit to Achieve Intimacy.

I commit to recognizing, owning and clearing away the obstacles I put in the way of my ability to be close. I will identify and name the defense mechanisms I use to distance, close my heart, abandon myself, abandon my partner, abandon friends or family members in order to avoid telling my truth or creating intimacy.

2. I Communicate and reveal my truths openly. I honor my partner’s truths by being trustworthy.

I will not conceal parts of myself, even those parts of which I am not proud. Holding parts of myself back in relationship is self-defeating. I can’t be committed unless I am fully present and willing to be transparent. Conscious relationship means microscopic truth telling. Conscious relationship also means showing respect for each other’s boundaries. I will honor my right and my partner’s right to reveal our truths only as it is safe to do so. I will honor my partner’s truth as a sacred trust and will not reveal it to others without his or her permission.

3. I Take Full Responsibility for My Own Needs and my own Growth.

I have the power to take charge of my life and stop being a victim. I have the power to stop my dependence on substance, obsessive activity, bad relationships or people whom I have made responsible for my self-esteem, security and happiness. The times when I project blame and shame onto other’s, are the times when I have forgotten that I am in charge of my own reality and healing. I will not expect my partner to deal with the consequences of my refusal to do my own work.

4. I Commit to joy and laughter in my relationship.

I am aware that relationships take immense courage and commitment and, therefore, I also commit to creating equal joy. I accept the ups and downs in relationship as a normal part of the process and my personal opportunities for growth. I take the time to enjoy the strengths, creativity and healing in my partner, in myself and in my relationship.

5. I Commit to Releasing the Learned Behaviors/ and Negative Programming that no longer serves Me.

I accept that I am ever changing and so are those I love. I will not hold on to pain or anger from the past . Neither will I hold on to negative behaviors that diminish my self-worth or are harmful or demeaning to myself or others. I promptly admit my mistakes. I do not accept responsibility for, or cover-up for, the mistakes of others. I commit to stay in the process until the issues are resolved or there is an agreement to disagree.

6. I Commit to some path of service to the planet and all sentient beings.

As I grow in consciousness and awareness that I am a sacred human being and as such am interrelated with all other sentient beings, I commit to actions that restore peace and balance on the planet. I commit to assisting others in the discovery and joy of conscious relationship and conscious living. I will do this first and foremost by committing to my own growth and increasing awareness.

7. I Commit to act honorably with reference to the issue of monogamy in my committed mate relationships.

If I have committed to be monogamous, I willingly make the choice not bring anyone else, or any one else’s energy into our physical relationship. I will provide a safe place for each of us to completely unfold and give fully of ourselves. I will not play with, or encourage other people’s attraction to me. I willingly choose not spend time with people who cannot or will not honor our commitment as partners. I will not use affection as hostage or reward – nor will I create a space of with hold that is lacking in unconditional love in which error may occur.

If I have not committed to be monogamous, I will speak clearly and truthfully about my intentions and I will not act deceptively to have my needs filled in ways that are not in agreement with our contract. I will honor my spiritual relationships with truth.

Conscious relationships are a commitment and gift to self. They teach you to be:

(1) Be Fully Aware And Present

(2) Be Authentic – Experience all your feelings

(3) Be Committed – Keep your agreements and increase your level of integrity

(4) and Be Joyful!

Take a minute to imagine how much soul deep work could be accomplished if you knew your partner would never cheat on you, lie to you, betray you or leave you without an honorable end to your contract. These gifts of safety and integrity provide unlimited opportunities for your own growth and growth toward each other! Light candle. Put on some music. Sit across from each other. Renew your vows with these commitments to even deeper love and growth.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Faking It – In the Name of Love

In this month of facades, fakes, costumes and pretend… I have begun to feel like Halloween is a great mirror of some of our relationships. A lot of our relationships are just plain fake. For instance…
We play… if you really loved me you would be jealous of any one who finds me attractive. Are you kidding? Why aren’t we delighted that people find our mate attractive and trust that our love is secure or get to work on it?

We expect that our partners should pretend that every thing we do is perfect. Or, is it really a more courageous act of trust to tell us when we are not being who they know we really can be?
We want our partners to play Merlin with if you loved me wouldn’t you intuit what I need and want without my ever having to ask. Or, would you expect me to act like an adult and respect my ability to determine what I need for myself and ask for it directly?

Then there’s the pretend game of if you really loved me wouldn’t you want to spend all your free time with me. Or, would you be safe enough to encourage outside interests for each of us, in order to add to the quality and diversity in our lives?

Don’t be truthful; instead tell me exactly what you know I want to hear. Or, would you be brave enough to be different and think differently so we could both grow?

Some of us pretend love is the most important thing unless our partners stop buying us the best things and taking us to the best places. But when love is real, wouldn’t the best thing be your partner’s voice, your partner’s touch, your partner’s love …and wouldn’t the best place be in your partner’s arms?

We use a multitude of excuses for pretending and not speaking our truth in relationships. She can’t take it. It will hurt her. He’ll get angry. We use even more for not addressing issues, for refusing to ask for what we need and for hiding what we really feel. There is so much pretend we nearly forget we when are lying. All these lies have nothing to do with our partner’s feelings. It’s all about us not wanting to deal with the fall out from being truthful. We lie and pretend selfishly for ourselves. We wear masks with garish smiles and fake expressions. We use the same tired phraseology and empty conversation. Nice day dear? How do you feel? Fine, you? UGH! We cry fake tears or threaten to leave to get our way. Many of us have one foot out the door to greener grass we have imagined in our mind. Or we opt for the status quo, the real killer in relationships. I’ll pretend I still love you. You pretend you still love me and maybe the boat wont sink. But it does, more than 71% of the time, and we go down with it because relationships that are not built on truth never survive. The truth may at times be painful but it is ultimately always healing.

Is it any wonder that our relationships fail? We are not in them! Someone fake is.

It’s time to start telling the truth. It’s time to start being the truth. It’s time to wake up your relationship and honor it and your partner with character; integrity and the belief that you are both are worth honesty, presence and the real you. Maybe we can take a lesson from the kids. When Halloween night is over they take their masks and costumes off and go back to being real. Maybe we can too.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.