uealse Sexuality - Dr. Dina Evan's Columns

Archive for the ‘Sexuality’ Category

Better Than The Fantasy

“Now that my partner is sober, she’s talking about her dreams and all the things that she wants to accomplish in life. Is this fantasy or reality and how should I respond?” This question comes up very often in therapy from the spouses of newly sober partners and mates.

Having a vivid imagination is a great gift, after all, our reality gets created energetically by moving from idea- to thought- to image- to word- to concept and then finally to reality. Since everything we think and feel at the moment is based upon the past, it is clear that without imagination or fantasy, we could not create new realities for ourselves.

The future isn’t here yet. And since all we have as a reference point is the past, if we don’t use imagination or fantasy, we can inadvertantly bring the same old limitations from our little red wagon of the past into the “now” in order to create the future. Without imagination or fantasy, we could be stuck in our past, unable to create anything new for ourselves. Remember, the saying “you create exactly what you concentrate on.” The old adage “what you think you will become” has a strong element of truth. You cannot create what you cannot imagine. It’s not in your reality to do so.

On a scientific level, Einstein taught us energy and matter are two different forms of the same thing. Thoughts, fantasies and beliefs and the words that carry them are the energy that creates reality. “Thought and fantasy ” energy are very powerful.

On a physiological level, we can also see how this is true. Neurons or brain cells pass your beliefs and thoughts from one cell to the other via electromagnetic energy and chemicals that produce a response in the brain. That response produces a response in your body and ultimately the two combined produce your reality. Each time a thought passes from one neuron to the other via synapses, it leaves an imprint or impression the French call a bouton. The more of these boutons created, the easier it becomes to simply accept a belief as a reality. In other words, it takes less and less energy to believe a negative belief or positive belief if you have concentrated on either for a long period of time. You just behaving as if that feeling is a fact. It’s similar to an old Model-T Ford that goes down a dirt road so many times that it wears a track into the road that it can no longer get out of. The key is repetition. Accumulative thoughts change the very typography of the brain. The more thoughts and fantasies we have about a thing, the more energy is created -the less effort it takes to believe them. Even the AMA agrees that 80% of what goes on in the body begins in the mind. I think 100% of our reality and health is created there.

Everything you see and experience in life began first in mind or imagination with fantasy, word and thought. Think about it! Is there anything you can name that did not first begin in mind? How powerful that makes you. It means we have the control over our reality at a very profound level. You have control over creating what you really want. You also create what you are in lack of. Fantasy, dreams and thought are the first order of all reality. Right now you are experiencing in your life, all the beliefs and dreams you had yesterday and tomorrow you will experience all the beliefs, fantasies and thoughts you have today. There is one kicker however; DESIRE AND BELIEF ARE NOT UNITED!

Belief is always stronger than desire in energy. So, if you desire one thing and yet believe you cannot have it, you will always manifest the stronger energy, which is what you believe. Belief proceeds experience. It is not based on fact, it is based on the intensity of energy in your belief. Believe you can have a little health, a little health is what you will manifest, a little happiness, a little love etc., you will manifest in exactly the same degree that you are capable of believing. Therefore it is important not to belittle our dreams.

Well, having said all that, one can see that fantasies and dreams are important and we need to support them in each other. They are the beginning step to creating new realities for ourselves. They are only the beginning step however. In order to make dreams and fantasies become reality, we have to take all the necessary steps to create them. If you fantasize about a mate relationship but you never leave your house to go out and meet new people, chances are you’ll end up alone. If you say you want a new business, but you spend money faster than you make it, chances are you won’t be able to finance a new business.

When your partner tells you of her new found hopes and fantasies, ask how she intends to make those dreams come true. What steps is she willing to take to insure her own success and inquire as to how you can help. Your support is important and you need to be cautious that you don’t bring in your own fears to rain on her parade. Remember when you stopped drinking or using and a whole new world of possibilities opened up to you? Perhaps you are being overly cautious because you don’t want to be disappointed.

As long as you are both grounded in the reality that you have to do the work to make your dreams come true, let the fantasies flow! Who knows how much we might be able to accomplish if we believed all things were possible. If our thoughts are constantly about all the things we can’t do that is exactly what we will create…nothing!

Remember we are a society addicted to sameness so it’s not unusual to label those with dreams as unrealistic and ungrounded. Why risk squelshing your partner’s dreams. If she does not have enough energy behind those dreams to carry off making them come true, they will just evaporate. But if she does have the energy and drive to follow through and you have been supportive, who knows what life might hold for you both. Go for it!

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Bound to Happen or Bad Rap?

There is something magnificent about the back of a woman’s neck or the gentle sloping curve of her hip – or his. There’s a certain kind of splendor to silk slipping sensuously off a shoulder and yet, even these delectable delights are not the makings of real intimacy or love. Although these sensations can usher us into a temporary state of ecstasy, seldom are they able to maintain the excitement over the long haul. It’s not fun making love with someone you don’t respect or trust. Mind-blowing sex that is transformational and moves through to the soul, in a sustained way, starts in the heart and works it’s way down to other body parts. Even the most sexually liberated of men will admit they too long for a deeper connection, and have difficulty finding it, which drives their urge for multiple partners.

Bed death occurs slowly. This terminal process starts long before we get to bed. As couples we connect on four levels: intellectual, spiritual, emotional and physical. Bed death begins insidiously the moment we start to disconnect on any of these levels. It begins when we stop talking about what we need and want or how we really feel in a relationship. It starts when we are no longer connected spiritually or share a mutual purpose and path. It can begin when we stop being affectionate with each other or when we start to lose respect for our partner. Bed death is a symptom, not the disease.

Being in a conscious relationship requires a certain amount of courage. Looking at real problems can be scary. It can also be liberating and connecting. Every couple in my practice who begins to reconnect through meaningful communication and problem solving, reports a renewed sense of sensuality and sexuality in their relationships. Oddly enough, they start having fun in bed again.
Some of the main factors that contribute to bed death are:

1. A lack of courage in dealing with unresolved issues.
2. An unwillingness to express one’s truth or real feelings
3. Denial about the impact of having a non-sexual relationship
4. Acting out through emotional or sexual affairs
5. Holding secrets that evoke guilt or shame
6. A lack of true commitment to conscious relationship

Bed death is seldom really about body image, body type or physical issues. Even the most Rubenesque of bodies can and do have outrageous sexual lives.

Do you want an insurance policy against bed death? OK. First you have to know that in real relationships where there is real intimacy – there is no experience of bed death. And, you have to realize real relationships are not for sissies. That means you have to be willing to do the work to keep the love and sexuality alive. Here ’s how.

Make sure that your partner stays a best friend. Do what you need to do in the form of communication, time alone and soulful exploration to deepen the connection between you.

Make sure that you are not getting distracted outside the relationship because you are afraid of intimacy inside of it. Intimacy means profoundly interior or “most within.” There may be times when you are getting so close, perhaps closer than you have ever been to any other human being, and so you sabotage the process by disconnecting physically. People who are afraid to go farther out into the ocean of intimacy will often disconnect physically first.

Make sure that kindness is the overriding quality of your exchange with your partner. Criticism, belittling, demeaning are features of a relationship that is seething with unresolved anger. Unresolved anger makes it impossible for people to feel safe in bed. They’ll pass.

The minute you start thinking you know what your partner wants and needs in bed – start being curious about what you don’t know! Taking it for granted that there is some level of knowing about each other that we reach in relationships that then stays static, completely misses the point that we are ever changing human beings who are growing and discovering new aspects of ourselves daily. What your partner liked yesterday he or she might hate today. Ask. Don’t tell.

Finally, get the “O” out of Oh My God, Too much emphasis on orgasm can take all the fun out of passion and stifle the desire. Sexy maneuvers, tricks and techniques take the passion out of lovemaking and move it directly into becoming mechanical. When you are making love to your partner as a gift of simple pleasure, the orgasm becomes secondary to the sensual intimacy and joy of connection. The fastest way to get the performance anxiety out of lovemaking is to stop the performance and get into the loving. If you need a gentle, safe way to reconnect, you can get an exercise designed to help you simply by emailing me at DrDBE@attglobal.net.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Love: Real Deal or Another Spiel?

“Ok, we all know that we are finally waking up and in this great relationship revolution, but, how do we tell what’s the real deal or just another spiel when shopping for a long term commitment? Our hearts, and perhaps something a little lower is shouting, This is it, this is the real deal. Yippee! I have finally found my true love and soul mate. The problem is that while we are mid-air in flights of fantasy we may be missing some very human qualities that could mean the demise of our dream at some point down the road. So what is it that one should look for in a long-term mate? Perhaps the best approach is to become aware of what we don’t want.

I’ll do anything for you!

Run; don’t walk to the nearest exit. There are lots of people out there who really feel this endearing willingness constitutes love. The truth is it constitutes codependency. Anyone who is willing to give himself or herself up completely for you, will, in the not too distant future, be expecting the return of that favor. When it is not forthcoming…you can expect to hear things like, I have given you everything and what have I gotten in return? A person who is capable of loving you in a whole-souled way, loves himself or herself as well. In fact they are not able to commit to you or put you first in their lives as a partner, unless they are committed to themselves and first in their own lives…not in a selfish, but rather, a self-loving way. This kind of attraction is not about being an adult who can give love equally. It’s about a lack of maturity or an inner child who needs to be nurtured and taken care of. Ask yourself, Do I want to be a parent or a partner?

Everyone one else I’ve been with has abandoned me!

Dah! There is probably a reason. People who abandon themselves and don’t have good boundaries that are self-respecting often get abandoned because it’s simply too much of a burden to be with this kind of person. No one wants to be responsible for another’s happiness, safety or fulfillment. If you share these things great, but it’s not your job to be responsible for the quality of another person’s life.

Let me tell you about how bad my past partners were!

Put on your tennies and run again! You are next on the list for bashing and the whole world will know your every flaw. People who have integrity don’t talk about other people including past lovers. They talk about issues, principles, growth, spirituality and love. If your past partner was worth sharing your body and love with, they deserve the respect due any human being once the relationship ends. You can tell about how mature your prospective partner is by how they treat their families and their past partners. Yes, there are times when we must set good boundaries and we might decide a person is not the kind of individual we want in our lives. But we don’t run all over town airing our dirty laundry about the ugliness. We simply move on and learn from our mistakes.

I want to spend every minute with you.

This is not love. This is insecurity and control. Love takes a break, spends time with friends and comes home to share. Love wants you to grow, do the things that make you happy and does not expect 24-hour attention. Control, insecurity and the need to possess underlie this kind of behavior. When someone wants to know where you are every minute and what you are doing and with whom, you are in trouble. This is an unstable person who will make your life miserable with doubt and jealousy. No matter how much you reassure him or her, it will never be enough because it’s not your problem. It’s theirs. It’s a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Ask yourself, How does my partner make me feel? If you feel afraid to be open, truthful, make decisions that are right for you or if you find yourself withholding information because your partner will become angry or hurt, this is not the right relationship for you. Move on.

True love is based on freedom and truth. It is never about control, coercion, ownership, possession or material gain. It’s about giving. When you want to know the truth of someone’s heart watch what they do not what they say. You can always tell what someone is really like or what they really believe by watching what happens beyond the words. Take your time. Enjoy the ride and stop rushing into anything. There is always time to discover the true nature of the person to whom you are about to give your heart. Not only can shopping for a new love be fun, but it is also a great exercise in self-love.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.