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Archive for the ‘Connecting’ Category

Let’s Get Connected

Want Happiness? OK, let’s bottom-line it. The most important thing you need in order to create happiness in your life is the ability to connect. It’s pretty simple. In fact, nearly every major issue looming over us today is created from our inability to connect with the earth, with other countries, and in our relationships with each other. So what is so fearful about connecting and why aren’t we doing it?

Rainer Maria Rilke says, “For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult task of all…the work for which all other work is but a preparation. It calls us out and calls us to vast things.” Since love, which is the ground and foundation of all connection, is the most powerful energy in the universe, it is also the scariest.

Our society supports an attitude of being increasingly more removed and separated from each other. Why sit down together when we can text message, web cam or email?  We have lost respect and a sense of value for our families of origin and feel very little desire to connect with them to do soul work. Why connect with people who don’t live with us and have become irrelevant in our lives?  We fill our children’s lives with so many activities they seldom have time to connect to themselves, much less with us. Isn’t achievement more important than authenticity, inspiration and creativity?

We are often so enmeshed in our careers and survival needs that couples seem out there on their own trying to stay connected against all odds. In addition, the very landscape of relationships has drastically changed. Relationships that were once vertical, and hierarchical with one person having greater power, control and decision making authority than the other, have now toppled over and become horizontal relationships that demand, equality, partnership, cooperation and compassion. It’s wonderful and, at the same time, a bit disconcerting to those attached to the old way of being and doing things. Rather than becoming discouraged, however, we should be patting each other on the back for being pioneers in a new era of relationships that are bound to work better because they are more honorable and equal.

This issue of connecting is not just about what we do across the dining table or in the bedroom. There is a collective imperative here to learn to bridge the gap between masculine and feminine, between the young and older, between generations, between societies and countries and between this planet and us. The separation we are now experiencing is literally killing our relationships and us. Our relationships to each other, and to ourselves are really the vehicles through which we heal the pain on this planet.  Connection is the instrument of our evolution and the evolution of the planet. Without it we cannot survive. Where we currently are is tantamount to being in a relationship and saying to your partner, “I love you but I don’t want to hear your real feelings, or know how my actions are affecting you and you may not have any input into our decision making because I don’t care about what you think.” This lack of connection has created a narcissistic nightmare.

Connection is born out of intimacy. Having an intimate connection with yourself gives you a chance to stand at that gap just before you say or do something and examine your own feelings and motives. If you do that with a desire to create deeper understanding, healing and compassion,  your action or response may be different and you will create an outcome that is more positive. When I am willing to ask myself what am I feeling and whether what I am feeling is coming from a place of fear and woundedness or power and path – there is an opportunity in that exquisite space to make new choices that create deeper connection.

Chogyam Trungpa says, “When you experience your own wisdom and the power of seeing things as they are, you have access to tremendous vision and power in the world. You find that you are inherently connected to your own being, and that is magic.” Hat magic extend further out. You also find in that same instant that you are inherently connected to the rest of the world, your partner, your planet, your friends and family and every living thing. In that connection all things are possible. In that connection is infinite healing and love. If you have no reference point for how that looks or how to get there, don’t beat yourself up, just make it a priority to find a teacher or a teaching that can give you the tools. There are a lot of us out here…and we are waiting for you. Our lives depend upon it

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Connection

There is no greater gift on the planet than our ability to create connection with each other. It is the most sacred dance in life even though we often forget to treat it as sacred. When I speak of it, people’s eyes cross and they look at me as of I am speaking a foreign language. We are confused about connections. Who should we connect deeply with? What kind of connection is taboo? What does connecting mean? Webster says (1) it is the act of joining, establishing a relationship or (2) to hit solidly and successfully. Perhaps all those definitions are also applicable here. In order for me to get connected, I have to create a level of conscious awareness with myself or another, hence a joining has occurred. Once I am connected to myself, I am able to know what I am feeling, thinking and perceiving. I can also know in this state of connection, through empathy and presence, what another is thinking and feeling so a relationship is established. I need a precise and focused point of awareness to get connected in the first place and so perhaps that is the hit solidly and successfully of which Webster speaks.

When I connect with myself, it is a statement that I am willing to discover both the greatness and the smallness in myself. I am willing to allow neither one to establish my worth. Instead, I am willing to heal my attachment to either and be free. It is an outward demonstration of inner character and courage. Connecting with myself is an act of love and honor for me that say’s I am worth it. I deserve as big a place in my day-timer, check book and life as I give to everyone else.

Connecting with me also affirms that I have the ability and trust to heal anything dislikable I might find inside myself, without self-judgment or self-loathing. Connecting with myself is a valiant act that says I am finally no longer afraid that what I will find inside myself is someone who is either not loveable or nothing at all.

When I connect with those in the outer circle of my life, in the grocery store line or where I teach, it is a statement that I can see the value and worth of people as individuals on their own path which is not so different than mine. I honor the divinity in others and am safe enough in my own process and life to be safe in their world as well.

When I connect with those who dance in the inner circle of my life, it is a statement that says I love you and therefore you deserve the best of who I am. You deserve the truth of who I am and the fullest presence of who I am. For if I value you as the gold and Spirit in my life, my character and integrity prevent me from standing before you offering anything less…for that would cheat on my own soul.

I connect with the earth, and each living thing as a statement of my wisdom and understanding that the earth is one living energy and each part of it, human or not, is a part of me. Therefore, connection is the key to everything. In the center of it I find myself. In the center of it, I find you. In the center of it, I find God, the Universe, and the Divine – whatever you perceive that to be. Therefore our great gift is to reach beyond our fear and get connected to all of life, and everyone in it, so that we can find ourselves.

Many of us are afraid of being connected to anything. What if I connect with myself and find that I am nothing or worse yet, a really bad person? I have never met a really bad person. I have met wounded people, lonely people and scared people, but never a bad person among them. I am not even sure what that might mean. Everyone one of us is still working on our selves trying to get it right. No one deliberately causes pain for themselves or others unless they are ill. If they are ill, they are not bad. So, when you get connected to yourself and discover something you don’t particularly like, simply heal it.

What will it mean if I connect with you? You could leave me. You might depend on me too much or dump your problems on me. You might expect something I don’t want to give. That is the dance. Learning to set and respect boundaries and still remain in the center of intimacy with all of life.

The task at hand for all of us is to learn to be connected and yet safe with ourselves. It’s a process and an on-going one that will last the rest of our lives.

So what are you feeling right now? Do you feel your body? Do you have a sense of your emotions? Can your feel the love in the person sitting across from you? Can you feel love for the person sitting across from you? Can you feel the love in the universe? If not, take a breath and get connected. Bulwer once said, “True eloquence is that which holds us too mute for applause.” True connection is that which holds us in grace too exquisite and precious for words.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Love: Real Deal or Another Spiel?

“Ok, we all know that we are finally waking up and in this great relationship revolution, but, how do we tell what’s the real deal or just another spiel when shopping for a long term commitment? Our hearts, and perhaps something a little lower is shouting, This is it, this is the real deal. Yippee! I have finally found my true love and soul mate. The problem is that while we are mid-air in flights of fantasy we may be missing some very human qualities that could mean the demise of our dream at some point down the road. So what is it that one should look for in a long-term mate? Perhaps the best approach is to become aware of what we don’t want.

I’ll do anything for you!

Run; don’t walk to the nearest exit. There are lots of people out there who really feel this endearing willingness constitutes love. The truth is it constitutes codependency. Anyone who is willing to give himself or herself up completely for you, will, in the not too distant future, be expecting the return of that favor. When it is not forthcoming…you can expect to hear things like, I have given you everything and what have I gotten in return? A person who is capable of loving you in a whole-souled way, loves himself or herself as well. In fact they are not able to commit to you or put you first in their lives as a partner, unless they are committed to themselves and first in their own lives…not in a selfish, but rather, a self-loving way. This kind of attraction is not about being an adult who can give love equally. It’s about a lack of maturity or an inner child who needs to be nurtured and taken care of. Ask yourself, Do I want to be a parent or a partner?

Everyone one else I’ve been with has abandoned me!

Dah! There is probably a reason. People who abandon themselves and don’t have good boundaries that are self-respecting often get abandoned because it’s simply too much of a burden to be with this kind of person. No one wants to be responsible for another’s happiness, safety or fulfillment. If you share these things great, but it’s not your job to be responsible for the quality of another person’s life.

Let me tell you about how bad my past partners were!

Put on your tennies and run again! You are next on the list for bashing and the whole world will know your every flaw. People who have integrity don’t talk about other people including past lovers. They talk about issues, principles, growth, spirituality and love. If your past partner was worth sharing your body and love with, they deserve the respect due any human being once the relationship ends. You can tell about how mature your prospective partner is by how they treat their families and their past partners. Yes, there are times when we must set good boundaries and we might decide a person is not the kind of individual we want in our lives. But we don’t run all over town airing our dirty laundry about the ugliness. We simply move on and learn from our mistakes.

I want to spend every minute with you.

This is not love. This is insecurity and control. Love takes a break, spends time with friends and comes home to share. Love wants you to grow, do the things that make you happy and does not expect 24-hour attention. Control, insecurity and the need to possess underlie this kind of behavior. When someone wants to know where you are every minute and what you are doing and with whom, you are in trouble. This is an unstable person who will make your life miserable with doubt and jealousy. No matter how much you reassure him or her, it will never be enough because it’s not your problem. It’s theirs. It’s a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Ask yourself, How does my partner make me feel? If you feel afraid to be open, truthful, make decisions that are right for you or if you find yourself withholding information because your partner will become angry or hurt, this is not the right relationship for you. Move on.

True love is based on freedom and truth. It is never about control, coercion, ownership, possession or material gain. It’s about giving. When you want to know the truth of someone’s heart watch what they do not what they say. You can always tell what someone is really like or what they really believe by watching what happens beyond the words. Take your time. Enjoy the ride and stop rushing into anything. There is always time to discover the true nature of the person to whom you are about to give your heart. Not only can shopping for a new love be fun, but it is also a great exercise in self-love.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.