uealse Decisions - Dr. Dina Evan's Columns

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Unexpected Gifts

Unexpected Gifts

Life happens between miracles, in the midst of miracles and after miracles… even in difficult times. I took a long time to realize that there is a consequence to every choice in life. Every choice in life is either for aliveness or death. No punishment. No reward, just the consequences of each choice. In my youth, I felt as if life did me. Now I do life.

The first time I had an opportunity to use my awareness of the energy of choice was while raising four kids alone and being out of work. There was an ad in the paper for an administrator for a major motion picture association. The job consisted of running a wonderful program. I was perfect for it. I had training experience, recruiting experience and I had movie experience from being the motion picture coordinator in Phoenix, so I applied, along with over hundreds of other candidates. I made it to the first cut of 20 and interviewed with eight Board Members.

After I left the interview, I ran to the restroom down the hall and sat in the women’s stall. I closed my eyes and focused on the job and getting the offer. I sat in the energy until I was able to envision the Board offering me the job. Then I got up and out loud, I stated that the job was mine.

I didn’t hear from anyone on the Board for several weeks, but I refused to let doubt in. I believed I had the job. Then I got the call. I was invited interview with the entire Board of 22 people. I was elated and terrified and elated and terrified.

I went back for a grueling interview with the entire Board including one gentleman whom I thought was asleep for the majority of my time. Gently, he eventually raised his head and asked, “What makes you think you can do this job better than any other guy?” he asked. I had the softest feeling that he was actually on my side and the question was not intended to be sexist. S, I answered him. “I have great administration skills, great recruiting skills and I have excellent people skills, I doubt that you will find that perfect combination in other candidates.” He smiled and put his head back down apparently satisfied with my answer. The Board seemed satisfied with my responses and thanked me for coming.

Immediately, I went back to my favorite stall and again affirmed that I was being offered the job and stayed with the energy until I felt it was done. Three weeks later, having had every opportunity to riddle the process away with doubt because I had not heard from anyone, and having resisted that old pattern, I got the call. The job was mine! I was turning life around. Everything I have ever created in my life was created first in my mind. Everything you experience began in yours. Years later, I used that same process when that job unexpected stopped to create a career as a counselor and speaker. To borrow a line, if you work it, it works.

Not a single thing has ever been created

that was not first thought of in mind.

Choose wisely.

            Headlines loom with gloom and doom. Every other story on the television is about suffering and abuse of power. We do live in trying times. The challenge, however, is deciding how we are going to respond to them. We can decide to stay focused on what we want rather than what we fear. That shift in perception always neutralizes the negativity.

We can continue to create what we want in our mind first with meditation, vision boards, visualizations. When you imagine yourself getting through the tough times, you create the energy of hope.

Reduce the chaos and drama in your life and stay out of the fray. Hanging out with naysayers and negative people literally has a visceral effect on us and it brings the energy of motivation and commitment down. It can make you immobile.

Don’t limit yourself. Keep and open mind. A complete career change may be the exact thing you need to start a completely new life. Get creative, and blow the lid off your control issues and need for the status quo.

Most of all, remember who you are! The person who walks out the door after a company closure or lay-off is the same person who walked in with a suitcase full of skills and abilities. You are leaving with those same skills. You are NOT YOUR JOB! You are a talented, worthwhile person who has much to offer to the next employer or endeavor. So put on some raucous music, shake off any energy of failure and start creating your future and the unexpected gifts from adversity.

© Dr Dina Evan 2012

Phoenix Arizona

(602) 997-1200

www.DrDinaEvan.com

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

To Be or Not to Be In a Relationship

Are relationships worth all the trouble? Absolutely! They are the greatest teachers on the planet. Where else can you learn to break open your heart, see what your capacity to love is, test your need for control or sameness and learn cooperative balance?  That balance is necessary in order for a relationship to thrive. A tip toward boundary-less or controlling boundaries can screw up everything. This imbalance normally results in contempt, which can kill a relationship all together.

In a boundary-less relationship one person feels one-down and is often love-addicted. That person is normally walled off and unable or unwilling to express his or her needs and feelings. Boundary-less people feel as if, in some sense, they are prey to their partner and their partner’s needs. The boundary-less partners put up protective walls. They not connected. They sit in silent rage.   Their silence can be interpreted as not caring or as consent to bad behaviors on their partner’s part. For instance, one person wants to be monogamous. The other does not. The person who wants to be monogamous gives in and allows the affairs or promiscuous behavior from their partner while suffering in silence. Eventually, the boundary-less person will leave, because, in truth, this person has left himself and his own morals and needs. Ultimately this will become so uncomfortable that there is no choice but to leave.

When one partner has controlling boundaries he might feel one-up and is often love avoidant. This kind of person uses blaming, shaming, interrogation, intimidation and threats to control other people. Controlling partners seldom take personal responsibility and are often unable to control their emotions or behaviors. They are slaves to stimulus. They feel connected but not protected. You often see this kind of person in a patriarchal, or domineering kind of relationship where he or she has the last word on everything. This kind of relationship is now passé and the new paradigm is one of greater co-operation and unity. New relationships are horizontal, equal and balanced instead on vertical and controlling with a misuse of power.

When relationships are imbalanced individuals begin to feel contempt. Contempt turned outward results in grandiosity, verbal abuse, physical abuse, a sense of entitlement and lots of judgment. There is little motivation on the part of this kind of person to change.

Contempt turn inward results in shame, feelings of self-loathing, depression and helplessness.

In a balanced relationship, each individual is working on him or herself and has a healthy sense of self-love. Healthy people are able to set boundaries, ask for what they need and honor themselves and the relationship with good boundaries. Those same good boundaries make is possible to feel more deeply connected because we can trust ourselves to take care of ourselves.  It’s a little like going out into the ocean of love in a strong boat that allows you to enjoy the journey because you know you have good boundaries and are safe or deciding not to go because you don’t have a safe boat or boundaries and are afraid you will not take good care of yourself.

In order to create a balanced relationship there are some necessary shifts that need to take place according to Terrance Real, who wrote, “ The New Rules for Marriage.” or relationships or all kinds I might add. I have added a couple also. We need to move:

  • From complaint to request
  • From negative past to positive future
  • From co-addict or victim/enabler to helping your partner be successful by you being a truth teller.
  • From “You are bad,” to “How can I help you succeed?”
  • Get out of ambiguity, either get in the relationship or get out because there is not such thing as a partial commitment. You can’t succeed with ambiguity.

Relationship are the most fulfilling and wonderful gift on the planet, if you are willing to be fully in them and do the work of your soul.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Sick of Your Relationship or Yourself?

How do you know if you are sick of your relationship or sick of your self? I hate to break it to you…but it’s all the same thing!

Have you ever noticed that when you get up in the morning feeling positive and energetic, your whole day seems to flow into a lighter and more uplifting experience? Have you also noticed that when you get up in a bad mood, mad at the world, it seems as if everyone is out to get you all day long? The whole day turns into a “bad day.” The reason for that is, your outer world including your relationship, is a direct reflection of what is going on emotionally and spiritually inside you. If there is peace on the inside, there will be peace on the outside. If there is turmoil and conflict on the inside, there will be turmoil and conflict on the outside. The same paradigm for your personal reality is true about issues or beliefs concerning lack, abundance, love, hate, truth, lies and relationships. Whatever you are experiencing in your inner world, manifests and reflects itself back to you via your outer world.

Try on these examples. If you are in a relationship in which your partner lies to you, no doubt you are also lying to yourself about something. Perhaps you are saying to yourself, “He or she will change,” or “I really don’t mind being lied to.”

If you are in a relationship in which your partner cheats on you – I’ll bet you are cheating on yourself in some way. Did you decide to ignore some boundary violation? Did you miss any billboards that came up along the way trying to alert you that there was a trust issue at stake? Didn’t you make the conscious or unconscious decision to stay with someone who refuses to remain faithful? Aren’t all those ways in which you are cheating on you?

Most people go through life feeling as if they are simply victims to whatever life has to offer. We believe life does us! Most of us are much more comfortable blaming and manipulating our external world, than we are taking responsibility for what is happening to us. We live with the illusion that if our partner would only change we would be happier. If we only had that better job, then we could relax. If we were with someone who paid more attention to us we’d feel better about ourselves. Unfortunately that isn’t true, as you have no doubt already discovered once having obtained the very thing you once thought would make you happy.

It would seem we have it backwards! We believe we have to do the right relationship, the right job, the right house, the right car, and the right partner in order for us to finally be who we really are! The truth is – when we decide to be who we are, all those other things just follow, in Divine right order, as we metaphysicians like to say. Giving yourself permission to be happy, empowered, alive, creative, successful, is not about who your partner is or what your partner is doing with his or her life. It’s about who you are and what you are willing to do for yourself in your life.

Feeling “sick of yourself or your relationship” is an important feeling to notice. It’s a good place to begin an exploration to find out what is really going on. Ask yourself, “What am I really sick of?” Maybe you are sick of feeling stuck, stagnant, limited or trapped. Perhaps you are sick of experiencing the same old issues and are ready to address them and move on. Are you sick of feeling as if life is dull, uneventful or exciting? Once you discover what it is you are really sick of, you can begin to do something about that issue. You can take the power back and directly address the issue for yourself instead of making your partner responsible.

Most of us give our power away with out really being aware that we are doing so. We give our power away each time we make someone else responsible for our reality or choices in life. Listen to some of the phrases and expressions I hear and my responses to them.

“She makes me mad! “
When did you give her the power over your emotions and responses?

“He says it’s my fault!”
So, why do you believe him? When did you give him the power to decide what your truth should be?

“She won’t let go of the issue.”
No one can argue alone! Someone is deciding to participate with her in keeping the issue alive.

Notice how easy it is to forget you are responsible for your own reality and you do not have to do anything you do not wish to do. OK, I hear all of those “yes buts” resounding from the rafters. Yes, but she’ll be angry. Yes, but he’ll feel upset. Yes, but she’ll be hurt. So? Someone may be hurt, angry or upset when you decide to be yourself, but that is their work and not yours. It’s not your job to be what someone else wants you to be. That excuse is just that, an excuse for not going forward – and it’s making you sick of yourself!. It’s your job to be who you are. Stop distancing your joy, aliveness and excitement by making someone else responsible for giving it to you! Don’t get sick of your life. Instead, create it your way.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Time to Go?

This is a time of great change. So many people are feeling an under current of restlessness and longing for something more meaningful. Very often, that restlessness manifests in relationships breaking up, job or career changes, selling houses, relocating and other major decisions that portend an opportunity to begin again. We want the high back, that sense of satisfaction with the quality of joy in our life.

We wrestle with the issue of ending relationships because of the pain, the history and the security of the known. It’s hard to hurt people you love and scary to start over. So, when do you know if it’s really time to go?

Couples often come to therapists, consciously or unconsciously, to break up. They may need to hear from a third party that the relationship is over and they are not guilty or wrong for knowing it. Sometimes they just want to make sure their partner has some support because they have already decided to leave. It’s an insurance policy against having something bad happen.

The reasons people leave are varied. In some relationships, too many connections have been broken to get back. We connect with each other on four levels: spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically. First the intellectual and emotional connections go when we stop talking to each other on a real level. Then the touching and passion leaves and finally, we do. In some cases when partners have either neglected their connections for a long period of time, or if they have broken them by being untrustworthy, couples may feel it’s simply impossible to get back. It is possible to recreate these connections and rebuild trust, but both partners must be willing and committed to the process. It’s amazing to see people fall in love with each other all over again.

Another reason people leave is because one partner is growing and wanting deeper connections and the other partner refuses to do his or her own work and grow as well. It is exhausting being in charge of a partner’s emotional well being when he or she refuses to do the healing necessary to feel whole and secure. These kinds of relationships become uneven because one partner becomes a parent rather than the beloved.

When people ask, when is it really ok to leave, my answer is always when you can’t go back. The truth is, that any lessons you have not learned in your current relationship, you will learn in the next one. Your own spirit is the highest authority about when it is time to go. There is a subtle, or not so subtle, knowing that no matter what you say to yourself, there is no going back. It is a sense of truly being done. People stay long after than knowing has arrived and often end up hurting each other more because of the disconnect.

When you know that it is time to leave, do it with integrity. Do not add betrayal to the pain of ending a relationship. If you still have questions as to whether the relationship can work stay until the questions are answered. Get into therapy, buy a good book that has exercises in it you can do together and see if you can reconnect. Break Up or Break Through is the book I wrote for reconnecting couples and providing new tools and aliveness to relationships.

It’s important to remember that you can change the form of a relationship without losing the love. You may not be great partners, but you might become great spiritual or extended family. Very often the people we have been in relationships with know us best and can support us in the ways we need most. This goes both ways. So unless your partner has become someone you would not choose as a friend, don’t lose the valuable connection you have made. Simply change it into what works better for both of you.

Whenever you are about to make a major decision, such as leaving a relationship, it is critical to be fully aligned with yourself. That means taking some introspective time. Does every part of you agree with the decision you are about to make? We rush so many things in this society that the unfortunate result is that we often look back with regret. Take the time you need to make sure there is no doubt. Fear or anxiety is different than doubt. You can feel fear about starting over and still know that it is exactly the right this to do. This is a normal human emotion and doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t move forward. But if you have doubt that this is the right decision, give yourself and your partner the respect you each deserve to make sure. Do nothing until you feel certain about your decision. Ask yourself, who am I going to or from? If you are just looking for the next fix that helps you avoid your feelings you’ll be looking outward for someone else to fill the gap. If it is the right decision, and part of your path to leave and you will feel like you are taking this step toward who you really are and what is inherently right for you.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.