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Words

Words

My mother was an alcoholic. Until the day she died, no, even long after, the words spinning in my head were wonderings about what a can of Coors offered her that I could not. There are certain experiences and certain words in life that humble you. They bring you suddenly alive, albeit with regret, shock, pain or a melancholy musing often about why you haven’t been in your own life. There are also words that bring you alive with joy and happiness.

My clients over the years have softened my child-like judgment about my mother, and brought me the gift of greater understanding, compassion and forgiveness. My mother never really had a chance. My mother had no words of encouragement or comfort. She had no words of guidance or compassion. My mother was my greatest teacher. She taught me what it looks like when you do not love yourself. I love her for that.

Words connect us or separate us. They heal us or hurt us. They empower us or victimize us. Deepak Chopra says we have 60,000 thoughts a day, most of which come tumbling out of our mouths and almost all of which are the same old things we have thought and said repeatedly for the majority of our lives. We pay so little attention to our words. Yet, they are profound.

My father used words, ”You stupid ignoramus son-of-a-bitch.” My mother used no words. What floated in the space between us was cold and isolated sadness. My admissions professor in college used words I’d never heard,

“I cannot believe what you have done in your life without support.” My kids use words that took my breath away, “Thanks for holding this family together mom.” All of them have made me queasy…either because they hurt so badly or because they were unfamiliar and challenged my willingness to trust.

Words are crafted around conference tables, in the hopes quelling objections: the theater of war, friendly fire, constructive criticism etc. Make no mistake! These are enormously powerful words. You’ve been persuaded, manipulated, cajoled, coerced and controlled because the words were crafted in such a way that the risks no longer mattered. And, written words are even more powerful when they are accepted, uncritically, as being true. There is so much to say about words in every context and form, whether written, spoken or published in books or the Internet, words allow us to connect, communicate and enlighten each other. They are filled with potential – the potential to heal or the potential to harm. Love, laugher, gratitude, joy, courage, heroism are all inspired by words. A life well lived is nearly impossible without words. We take very seriously the opportunity to share words with you that hopefully teach, enlighten and encourage. I invite spirit to sit on my shoulder as I type, hoping to reach out from the page and touch you in some way.

As we age, we look at words with a bit more suspect. We begin to question whether we can really lose 20 pounds in a month, or whether he or she really can be in love in a week, or whether the government really does have our best interest at heart. With aging comes the answers to the words that formed questions such as  “Have I done what I came here to do, or, what can I learn from this challenge.

In moments of silence, you begin to question the purpose of your life for there is no true depth or value in life without meaningful connection to those you love. Connection is difficult without words that are genuine and heartfelt and followed by behavior that is reverent and respectful.

I remember things my father said to me that brought me to my knees when I was twelve. I remember things that my teacher said to me in fourth grade that brought me up, standing tall again. Words have so great a force in them that we should all remember to make sure they are well chosen. “Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” ― Rudyard Kipling Words can make people love you a little less or a little more.

Who knew a consistent inquiry with words about how one could help, along with a soft touch and gentle hug could mean so much? Give that today.

© Dr Dina Evan 2013

Phoenix Arizona

(602) 997-1200

www.DrDinaEvan.com

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Finding Your Voice

Finding Your Voice

So your partner comes home, you have been feeling lonely and upset that he’s been out, and as he walks through the door you say with a jab, ”So glad you could find some time away from your friends to finally come home and be with me!” And that’s where it starts. Your partner gets defensive and before you know it you are each in different corners feeling wounded and confused about what just happened.

When we lose our authentic voice in relationships, we often create a communication dynamic that is destined to end up in an adversarial feeling of either disconnection or betrayal. Take a look. (Some examples from Daniel B Wile, Ph.D. Collaborative Couple Therapy)

Choice
Example
Result
Attack
Makes Partner An Enemy
“Why do you spend more time with your friends than you spend with me?” Triggers an
adversarial response.
Avoidance
Makes Partner a
Stranger
I’ll say nothing and kill a part of myself emotionally in hope that the feeling will go away. If enough of you leaves emotionally, eventually you’ll leave too.
Intimidate/ Interrogate
Makes Partner Victim or a Victimizer
“I may as well leave since the only people you talk to are your friends.” “You better start talking to me or I’ll find someone else to talk to.” Creates a fear dynamic and creates a lack of safety.
Compliance
Makes partner invalid or non-existent
“ Have it your way, spend all your time with your friends.” You check out and the relationship dies.

There is a better way. Use your authentic voice and say what you mean.

When You Find Your Voice and Use It:

Choice
Example
Result
Confide
Makes your partner an ally or friend.
“I hate to admit it but I miss you and I am a jealous of all the time you are spending with your friends.” Creates empathy and understanding Creates intimacy and compassion.

Many of us are afraid to be vulnerable in relationships because we have been taught that vulnerability is a bad thing that makes us weak and puts us at risk. Actually, just the opposite is true. Standing vulnerably in your truth is a great place of power and takes immense courage. Relationships that are not built on truth don’t have a chance. If you are courageous enough to tell me your true feelings in an authentic way, the end result for me is greater respect for you and a feeling of increased trust is us as a couple. Being vulnerable in a relationship is a way of saying, I trust you with my innermost feelings. If you don’t feel you can do that with your partner, then it’s time to work on issues of trust in the relationship and find out what is creating the lack of safety.

Some of the things that create a lack of safety are:

• The absence of clear boundaries about what can be shard or not shared out side of the relationship.

• Couples who have used intimate exchanges later as ammunition in an argument.

• Unclear contracts about where we are in our relationship or commitment.

• A lack of communication.

Saying what you mean does not guarantee that you always get what you want. What it does guarantee is deeper intimacy and greater depth to your connection with each other because there is honesty.

Pleeeeze don’t use the lame excuse that you are not telling the truth simply because you don’t want to hurt the other person. People who say that are really saying they don’t want to deal with the fall out that telling the truth will create. If you know there is going to be fall out, you are either lying to cover your own butt, or in essence, saying that you don’t respect your partner enough to tell him or her the truth. Step up and be honest. The truth may not always be comfortable, but is it ALWAYS HEALING. And if this person in your life is deserving of your love, they are also deserving of the truth. Give it as a gift, no with a sledge hammer, but with love and compassion – but give it.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Yakkity Yak

Let’s do lunch. Can’t wait to see you again. You look maavalous! You losing weight? I’ve been meaning to call you. I never got that message. Shall we continue with 900 more ways to blow off real connections and honest communication? It’s all a lot of yakkity yak.

Real communication, or enlightened communication, is about participating in a conscious, honest dialog. Much of what we say and hear these days is sound bites, party lines, corporate speak and discourse designed to manipulate and elicit a specific response, rather than designed to create a mutual, conscious exploration of possibilities and real connection.

Today, whether we are dissing friends at our favorite restaurant or presenting in the boardroom, we twist and tweak the facts. We spice things up with veiled threats or a touch of emotional hijack. Like that georgie, in the White House (little “g” mine), we manipulate the numbers or the facts to justify our position, create the illusion of power or get control back. We amp up the volume or intensity. We focus on the negative, often while ignoring the positive. We diminish others with interrogation, intimidation or interpretation. In short, we communicate with the intent to manipulate, coerce or control, rather than communicating from a position of ethical personal or professional power. We have lost our moral compass and most of us are not yet awake to this energetic form of violence, even though we feel it, and experience an ungrounded lack of safety from it. We walk around in a daze wondering why we really don’t feel very connected to anyone through the maze of all that yakkity yak.

Like a breath of fresh air, the moment we return to the truth-which is sometimes more difficult, but always healing- the energy begins to spiral toward clarity and empowerment. Genuine compassion is felt. Pure truth cuts through the fear making a space for resolution and genuine connection. Twenty years of doing counseling has taught me the truth is always healing. It is not always comfortable, but it is always healing.

Some might think this is a little issue of no consequence. However, the degree to which we are able to communicate consciously is a direct reflection of the degree to which we have become enlightened. Conscious communication is at the core of enlightenment-it is the outward manifestation and catalyst of enlightenment. Think for a moment about the last time you genuinely connected with someone in pure authentic truth. In that moment, your vibrational frequency was raised and your body held the energy of enlightenment. In that moment, you ascended just a bit. The only ascended person I believe on television today is that Quiznos kid in the high chair whose mother fed him green peas and whose line we might borrow for all this wasted talk…”It’s just not right.”

Truth telling does not necessarily mean one delivers the truth with a sledgehammer. You can tell the truth and still be kind. Speaking from an “I” space is helpful. I have been so swamped I really haven’t been good at returning calls lately. Or, I am trying to honor myself by taking more time out for me, but I will call you when I come up for air. Even when someone asks you a direct question that is inappropriate, you can respond with, I am really not comfortable discussing that at this time. Honesty is about character and a certain morality and respect for each other. When we lie to another person or manipulate them with words, what we are really saying is that they are not important to us, or we do not trust them to be able to deal with the truth, which is insulting. The other reason for lying is so that we don’t have to deal with the fallout of the truth which is saying we don’t trust ourselves much either.

Meaningful communication begins with truth telling and is also about being present to each other. Some people believe that every encounter is an opportunity for a holy moment – an ecstatic experience – because in the center of that moment is an opportunity for real connection – sometimes embraced – often missed. Sometimes, we sit across from each other in relationships and friendships and never get to know each other’s dreams, fears, aspirations, hopes and visions. The truth is we could sit across from each other for the next million years and never really know all there is to know about each other. Maybe it’s time to slow things down and experience a few of those magic moments yourself.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Tell Me the Truth Or Else!

Question: I believe my partner is using and lying about it! She has requested we go to therapy together and I have told her that I think this is her problem. Shouldn’t she just go alone?

I imagine some people would like to hear me say is that this is all your wife’s fault, and she’s the only one who needs to get fixed. At a surface level, if you were not into your own growth, that is all you might choose to hear. Instead, I am going to assume you want to go beyond your original question and look deeper. In my workshops, I teach the ABCC’s of relationships. Since I feel the same principles apply here, I ‘d like to use these principles in answering your question. I am going to pose even more questions, all of which will help you find your own answer and identify what you are learning in this process.

” A” is for Awareness. People who are aware work to create conscious relationships. Conscious relationship means that you understand that everything in your relationship is a 50/50 deal, and each experience you have as a couple is a teacher for both you and your wife. It may appear to be easier to lay all the blame and shame onto one person, but that would not be very conscious, or truthful. Your wife may be using, but having a spouse who drinks or uses and lies about it is obviously a lesson that you signed on for, given that you are still with her. This lesson can teach you a great deal about yourself. How much judgment and or fear do you have about her and her behavior? What does her behavior mean to you? Did you enter into this relationship with the fantasy that she was/should be perfect? Does her lack of perfection mean that she does not love you, that you will be abandoned, betrayed? Have you looked deeply enough inside to know what your real limits are about this behavior? All of these issues are your issues.

What are your Boundaries, the “B” part of ABCC’s, with reference to being lied to, using and being in a relationship with a partner who is not present to herself or to you? Do you know how to set boundaries and get them respected? How do you respond when they are not respected? How much do you rely on your wife or her ability to maintain sobriety to fill your needs for safety, for happiness and comfort? Does her drinking mean that she does not love you or does not love herself? Why do you need her to confirm your truth about her substance abuse? If you know she is using, what still needs to be confirmed? Why don’t you trust your own truth? Are you open to supporting your partner in all ways?

Communication, is the first “C.” At what level are you Communicating with each other in truth and openness? What is the dynamic in the relationship that is preventing truthful communication? Are you both seeking new skills for communicating better? Are you placing the responsibility for communication on just one person? Are you setting time aside to practice honorable, ethical communication together?

And the final C, what is your level of Commitment? How much compassion are you willing to extend to your wife, such as joining her in therapy? What is your level of commitment to yourself, to your wife, to your own growth and hers? What’s your commitment to staying in the process and staying present until you feel you have learned the lessons you need to learn?

If you are really present to your own needs and truth, you will also know that it is legitimate to decide that you no longer wish to be in this process with a person who chooses not to be truthful or honorable. You may decide that your commitment needs to be to yourself first. But, should you decide that, do it out of respect for yourself and without judgment, shaming, or blame for your wife. It is her right to discover herself and her own answers however she chooses, and unfortunately, substances make it possible for people to postpone these realizations until they actually hit bottom.

You can see these principles generate lot’s of questions. If you can answer all of these questions in a way that indicates you have learned everything you can learn and have done everything you can do to be supportive, then, you must ask yourself why you are still in this relationship. If your answers indicate you still have lessons to learn for yourself, or you see ways in which you can express more compassion and support, you may choose to go to therapy with your wife for yourself as well as for her. If you have judgments about who she is, or her behavior. that are separating you or allowing you to feel superior, you need to examine those as well. Therapy may be a great, safe place to do all of that.

The bottom line is — anything you do to or for your wife that is loving — you do to and for yourself as well. Anything you do to create greater separation is also something you do to yourself and the latter choice is about your fear.

There is no right or wrong answer or action for you or your wife. We are all on a journey and we get to do the journey in our own way. It’s not even a question of right or wrong. Truthfully, there is only one answer for every single question we have posed. In the final analysis, there is really only one question. If you ask this question and act on the answer, it will prove to be right for both you and your wife. That question is… “What is the loving thing to do for you and for your wife?” Whether the answer is stay, leave, go to therapy, don’t go to therapy, talk about your feelings…whatever… if you do it, you will both win.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

The Power of Your Words

A reader called the other day to say, “ Every time my husband and I go out to meet new people or to attend a family affair, he inevitable brings up every gory detail my past when I was drinking. Something feels really wrong with this, but I don’t know what it is since I really did do all those things. Help.”

What you are feeling is a breach of boundaries and a dishonoring of the trust between the two of you. Words, language and honorable expression are critical to every successful relationship. Unless you have given your husband permission to speak of these things, he is violating a boundary by divulging information about your personal life without your permission. No matter what you did, or how much he was hurt, speaking with friends about your past is not an honorable way for him to deal with his feelings.

Words are the bridge between thought, manifestation and reality; therefore, they are of great importance. Everything was first thought of – then defined by words – and then made manifest. Miracles, life changes, enlightenment all evolve from words. Words have great power in relationships because they speak of the hearts intent. Your husband’s intent may be to hurt you or get back at you for the pain you have caused him. Words have the ability to destroy a relationship or empower it. They provide safety or erode it. Words can create a healing or a hostile environment. Words can define our relationships as sacred, holy, or ordinary and debased.

The first step in dealing with this issue is to directly ask your husband to examine his motivation for speaking about your past in this way. Then, let him know how hurtful to you this has been. Finally, ask him to stop it. He may need to vent his anger or rage about what has happened in the past so that he can move beyond it. Talk about how he might best do that without further damaging your relationship.

No word is ever lost. Words are energy. Have you ever had anyone say, “Forget I ever said that?” Pretty impossible to do isn’t it? In metaphysics we have learned that words carry great energy and always manifest on some level at some time. Words protect the sanctity and boundaries in a relationship and allow for deeper, more intimate healing. Or, words can break boundaries, reveal secrets, and leave partners feeling betrayed and unsafe. Words have great power to unite or separate – create love or isolation.

Words define our relationships to ourselves and to each other. They tell you whether you have integrity, emotional courage, compassion and understanding. When you abandon or betray your partners you have, in fact, abandoned and betrayed yourselves. Your personal level of integrity is reflected in your words and actions. Any betrayal or abandonment reflects a lack of integrity in us, not in our partners.

With words, we can create information that is derogatory or harmful to another, or we can treat each other with awe and respect. Being in relationship is truly the only opportunity we have to fine hone our skills of honesty in our expression. We demonstrate that skill through the words and actions we choose. Take a minute to go over this checklist of just a few questions and see if your words and actions are aligned with your spirit.

1. Do you ever share information that is derogatory or harmful about your partner in other than a therapeutic setting where these issues are being addressed?

2. Do you ever create a non-safe environment by bringing up issues from the past which you have previously said were forgiven.

3. Do you ever share private or intimate information that your partner has told you without his or her permission?

4. Do you ever share his or her shortcomings or character flaws with others?

5. Are there ways in which you are deliberately inaccurate to prove your point?

6. Do you use shaming or blaming language to enforce your point? (name calling, labels, foul language, derogatory sexual terms, etc.)

7. Do you become verbally abusive, use threats, fear, guilt, control, projection?

8. Do you use passive, non-committal, compliant, indifferent language to manipulate your partner?

9. Do you answer questions with questions?

10. Do you often think things you never say or withhold information about your real feelings?

11. Do you ever make “innocent or critical” remarks that hurt your partner?

12. Do you feel it is unnecessary to apologize?

13. Do you withhold praise and encouragements out of fear that someone might become better or more capable than you?

14. Do you solicit information that your partner has told you he or she is not ready to share?

15. Do you shift the blame to others for your own actions and behavior? Do you feel your excuses are also justifications?

Now perhaps you are beginning to understand the power of your words. If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are creating a lack of safety in your relationship. That is what your husband is doing and that is why you feel unsafe. Instead of telling his truth and addressing his issues directly with you, he is choosing to vent his anger inappropriately. He is acting out of fear and not love. Time to have a talk – using loving words to say. – “Enough!”

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I often imagine the man from the Verizon commercial bursting through my office door wearing a red cape, interrupting some argumentative couple in a heated battle and shouting, “Can you hear me now?” The answer would be, “No.” We don’t hear each other and this is often a major factor in separations and divorces, in the demise of friendships and in the lost connections we experience with our kids.

There are lots of excuses about why we don’t talk or listen to each other, but not many legitimate reasons. One of the big problems is that we are not very honest or trustworthy. I would venture to say there are as many definitions of what being honest is as there are people. According to Allison Kornet in an article in Psychology Today (6/97), most people lie as often as they brush their teeth. The average person lies at least once or twice a day, and dating couples lie in about one third of all of their interactions! The figures are even higher than that when people are talking on the phone instead of in person. In one survey, nearly 75% of those polled said they would lie, if necessary. Take this little test and see how honest you are.

1. Do you share information with others that is derogatory or harmful about your partner other than in a therapeutic setting in which these issues are being addressed?

2. Do you create a non-safe environment by bringing up issues from the past for which you have said he or she was forgiven?

3. Do you use your partner’s shortcomings as a weapon to diminish him or her?

4. Do you invite energy into the relationship that is not supportive to your
mate or your marriage/relationship bond?

5. Do you share private or intimate information without your partner’s permission?

6. Do you share his or her shortcomings or character flaws with others?

7. Do you talk about the ways in which he or she is remiss as a partner to others?

8. Are there ways in which you are deliberately inaccurate to win your point?

9. Do you call in the troops or relate how “others” feel when addressing an issue with your partner?

10 Do you discuss issues with others that concern you partner before speaking to him or her?

11. Do you bring up information about your partner’s past, family, career or other issues that could be painful to your partner in order to get a winning advantage in a discussion?

12. Do you use shaming or blaming language to reinforce your point? (name calling, labels, foul language, derogatory sexual terms, etc.)

13. Do you become verbally abusive, use threats, fear, guilt, control, and physical threats?

14. Do you use passive, noncommittal, compliant, indifferent language to manipulate your partner?

15. Do you use “pay back” or vengeful language and techniques?

16. Do you answer questions with questions?

17. Do you avoid taking responsibility by pointing out your partner’s failings?

18. Do you deliberately verbally inflict pain to stop the process?

19. Do you avoid the issues by talking about unrelated topics or nor talking at all?

20. Do you often think things you never say or withhold information?

21. Do you ever tell your partner what he or she should do?

22. Do you ever make “innocent” or critical remarks that hurt your partner?

23. Do you feel it is unnecessary to apologize?

24. Do you express cynical, doubting responses to attempts at growth?

25. Do you make commitments you do not keep? Do you promise to honor requests and then fail to do so?

26. Do you express yourself with ambiguity and uncertainty?

27. Do you withhold praise and encouragement?

28. Do you solicit information that your partner has told you he or she is not ready to share?

29. Do you exaggerate or embellish information?

30. Do you shift the blame to others for your own actions and behavior?

If you answered any of these questions affirmatively, you are, consciously or unconsciously, creating a lack of safety in your relationship – one that will make open communication impossible. Not being honest in a relationship creates an unsafe place where authentic communication becomes impossible.

Words can destroy a relationship or empower it. They can provide safety or erode it. Words can create a healing or a hostile environment. Words can define our relationships as sacred, holy, ordinary or debased. Words are the bridge between thought, manifestation, and reality. Therefore, they are of great importance. Everything was first thought of — and then defined by words — and then made manifest. Miracles, life changes, and enlightenment evolve from words. Words have great power in relationships because they speak of the heart’s intent. Spirit created everything that is, through the power of words.

No word is ever lost. Words are energy. Have you ever heard anyone say, “Forget I ever said that?” Impossible to do, isn’t it? In metaphysics, we have learned that words carry great energy and always manifest on some level at some time. Words protect the sanctity and boundaries in a relationship and allow for deeper, more intimate healing. Or, words can break boundaries, reveal secrets and leave partners feeling betrayed and unsafe. Words have great power to unite or separate, create love or isolation.

Words define our relationships to ourselves and to one another. They tell us whether we have integrity, emotional courage, compassion and understanding. When we abandon or betray our partners, we have, in fact, abandoned and betrayed ourselves because our personal level of integrity is reflected in our words and actions. Any betrayal or abandonment reflects a lack of integrity in us, not our partner. If you have chosen to make love with a person, at the very least they deserve you respect. Even if they later disappoint you, move on and deal with your choice by healing yourself rather than destroying the reputation of the person with whom you have a past.

With words, we can create information that is derogatory or harmful to another. With words, we can treat one another with awe and respect as precious human beings courageous enough to walk this path together. Do you not think it is astounding that we have the courage to make commitments to each other to peel away the barriers to intimacy and sit together, willing to show the truth of who we are? When one makes this incredible commitment, he or she deserves the best we have to offer on every level. It is our individual job to see that the best is what we offer in our actions and our words.

Authentic healing is distinguished by not needing to embellish or edit. You experience realness in the exchange. When it’s real, you don’t need to add anything. Feelings, thoughts, and responses will flow freely, uncoerced and without exaggeration. Important expression flows naturally and without self-judgment. If you find yourself editing, go back to the initial stages and deal with your resistance or fears about telling the truth or disclosing. Examine what’s going on, and explore again why you may not be feeling safe.

Another factor in our refusal to listen is that we assume we must take responsibility for the other person’s reality. We feel we need “to fix it or have the answer” instead of just understanding how the other persons’ truth is true for him or her. Your partner’s truth may not be the same as yours and that is ok. The only thing we need to do is be authentic in our attempt to understand how our partner’s could feel the way they do. Listening with an attempt to simply understand opens the door to change and resolve.

Authentic listening will go from
Energetic Connection to –> Resistance/Support to –>Issues that Surface to –>
Resolution/Integration to –>Energetic Release and finally to –> Completion/ Healing.

Thomas Merton tells us that rushing is another form of violence. When it comes to communication, this could not be more true. Taking the time to fully understand what the other person is saying is a gift that says; I value you and what you feel. Communication is the most important element in any successful relationship. When meaningful communication is a priority, the result is deeper bonds, safer emotional work and with couples an increase in passion and sexuality. The first thing that goes out the door in any relationship after safe communication is lost – is sex. No real intimacy can be created in a relationship where partners do not feel heard and understood. To begin to practice safe communication, you can download the Communication Exercise right off my site and start the process with your partner, your child or family member. http://www.drdinaevan.com.

Words are beautiful. They are a gift of our humanness, the way we express the inner most feelings and needs we have with each other. There is nothing more precious than having someone in your life who is willing to share his or her fears, dreams, visions, hopes for the future and needs with you. Get authentic and ask yourself, What is the most important gift I can give those I love in the New Year. There is no doubt in my mind that the answer will be, next time you are asked, “Can you hear me now,” your answer could be “yes.”

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Let’s Go Deeper?

Most of us skate over the top of life. We avoid real issues, detour out of heavy places and live a short distance from our true feelings and spirit. The gold in life is always at the point of connection – to ourselves, to others and to Spirit. We have been taught to think our feelings are bigger than we are. Therefore, we hesitate to go deeper and when someone says, “I am overwhelmed or frightened,” we become afraid that if we connect, we will have to get involved or come up with an answer to this person’s problem.

Sometimes, we choose not to feel what those close to us are feeling because it triggers our own unresolved feelings. A kind of, “If I feel your scared, I’ll have to feel my own” response. The greatest gift in relationships always come from a willingness to go deeper. It’s not our job to have the answers for others, or to fix their problems. Our only job is to understand how their truth is true for them – to take time to hear what that person is saying and understand what they are really feeling. That’s the greatest gift you can give someone you love. Remember the last time someone really heard and understood you? What an amazingly healing experience – both to give and to receive. And if in the process, you are triggered with some feelings of your own, well great. What a wonderful way to discover where your own healing needs to occur. So, how do you give and get this great gift of going deeper? With these simple phrases…

Say more about that.
What’s that like for you?
What would help?
How can I help?
Tell me.

Such tiny little phrases – such profound ability to connect.

Those same questions can be asked of us in the process of going deeper for the answers inside of ourselves. “Let’s go deeper,” I say in class. My students respond with peaked attention knowing that the “awareness” bar is about to be raised. Life is our classroom and “ Let’s go deeper,” is an invitation life is forever giving us to dive deeper than the surface. It’s an opportunity to ask the poignant question that move us into feelings or unfamiliar awareness. Let’s go deeper means it’s time to stand on the edge of the gap between who we are being in the moment, and our true selves. It’s an opportunity to tell the truth, ask for what we need or stand in our integrity.

Let’s go deeper is the chant or mantra of those who are awake. It’s the motivation and meaning for our soul journey. It can happen in a miraculous moment as you are driving in your car and pause to reflect on what you are really feeling and why. Let’s go deeper is the invitation life gives us to find the spiritual gold, in friends, in circumstances or challenges and in ourselves. It’s the soul dance of intimacy with life and everyone whose life touches ours.

Embracing life and being truly engaged with it and everyone in our life is exactly what makes the difference between a life that is lonely and boring, and one that is alive and energetic. People begin to die when they stay on the surface. Staying on the surface results in a slow disconnect from meaning, passion and ecstasy – and the consequence of that is an emotional loneliness and energetic death. If you are bored with life, you have been skating on the surface of it. Life is filled with opportunities for growth, deep meaningful connections and excitement. But in order to be a recipient of these, we have to be willing to go deeper.

I once ran an ad for a romantic interest and said in it, “Someone deeper than a tissue please.” There were only a few who got it, but those who did knew exactly what I meant and so do you. It’s what you long for – both in the relationships you already have and in those you hope to create. Let’s go deeper, shall we?

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

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