uealse Responsibility - Dr. Dina Evan's Columns

Archive for the ‘Responsibility’ Category

Begin with Me

I have listened to the news, followed the flood of emails from my lists, read the newspaper and am most disturbed by what is missing. Something that I believe is primary is missing in most of them. Being a woman of faith, I believe that each person who lost human life continues to exist and will forever exist in the hearts and minds of their loved ones. I know that when love is real it is never lost and in the center of this devastation, the truth of forever will ultimately be found. That in no way diminishes the human pain, and I hold a sacred space of compassion for those who are called upon to find their way to this truth now, all who have lost loved ones in a senseless war or disease.

I am more disturbed by the fact that we all have first hand knowledge, to one degree or another, about the end result of hated, division, fear and separation. I have felt it. Someone recently backed into my car at a local restaurant, did $4000.00 worth of damage and then left with no note. But I am certainly not alone. We have all felt it. Someone keys your car or breaks into your home. Someone cuts you off recklessly in traffic. Someone in the family starts a hate trail of malicious comments or criticisms. Someone in your community starts a rumor that causes friends to leave you. It’s men against women. It’s old against the young. It’s straight against gay. It’s petite against large. It’s us against the government or the government against another country. But the truth is, that it’s all actually us against our selves. Dr. Davis Hawkins, who wrote Power VS Force, says that approximately 2% of the people in our world are causing 98% of the problems. So what are the rest of us doing about that?

People who are not yet awake project or embody low frequency emotions and actions like despising, misery, shame, humiliation, vindictive, guilt, blame, destruction, punitive, frightening, fearful, denying, withdrawal, vengeful, antagonistic, angry, aggressive, indifferent, demanding, prideful, scornful, inflated or egotistical. If you take a look at this list it’s easy to see that every one of these emotions is fear based. People who act in unloving ways are always motivated by fear. Big bullies are always little people who feel insecure inside. That’s why they feel the need to puff up in the first place.

How is it that many of us still do not yet see that the lesson for us individually is to get the hated, fear, division and separation out of our own hearts? How can we hold hatred and yet oppose it? How can we separate and cry out for unity? How can we oppress while asking to be free? How is it possible that we do not yet know that if we are so much as thinking a single violent thought, we have added to the violence and the potential for further violence in our universe? It’s time to wake up and stop blaming them and start being personally accountable for what we put into the consciousness of this planet, into our community, into our relationships and into our own bodies and minds.

Want to see the powerful truth in all of this? Ask a friend to work with you. Hold your arm straight out away from the side of your body as if you are making a turn signal. Now ask your friend to see how much strength you have by attempting to push your arm down as you push up. No doubt you’ll be pretty solid. Then ask your friend to do the same test as you hold a hateful thought in mind. You will find that your whole body is weakened and you cannot hold your arm out from your side. Now ask your friend to do this same test while you hold a loving thought that is unifying. Your strength returns. Fear weakens and love strengthens. It’s very simple. Imagine what your body is contending with if you are holding fear and hated most of the time.

A world event takes place when any one of us becomes willing to do our own soul work. Let that begin with me. Let that begin with you. Now.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

One Job To Do

Question: It never occurred to me that getting sober would come with huge fundamental questions about who I am and what are my responsibilities to everyone else! How do I determine what responsibilities are really mine and which are not?

Let’s simplify these issues. You have only one job and that is to find out who you are and then allow yourself to be that person fully. That’s it! Does that make you self-absorbed and egotistical? No, it makes you self-aware and responsible in a healthy way, both of which may seem unfamiliar and new to you.

In the beginning of your process, you may have a tendency to beat yourself up a bit when you start setting healthy boundaries because others are not getting what they want from you. The fact that you are suddenly honoring yourself is not what creates their pain. Their own projections and unmet expectations create pain for them and none of that has anything to do with you. Just respond to those who feel hurt from an I space and let them know you are not in a position to provide what they need. To your friend that always arrives thirty minutes late, that might sound like this, “ I am trying to respect myself more so I have decided that I can only wait for you twenty minutes beyond our appointed time. After that, I will have to leave.”

By honoring yourself right from the beginning, you will avoid all the attending resentment, anger and disappointment that comes from forcing yourself to do things you no longer want to do or be someone you no longer want to be. When you honor yourself, everyone wins because your relationships are more honest and authentic. Unfortunately, you cannot avoid the reality that others may feel pain simply because you choose to be who you are. An example may be that you are dead tired and your best friend needs you to sit up all night commiserating over her broken relationship. If you say you cannot be available right at that moment, she is going to feel pain and it is not your job to fix that. What you can do is set a time that is better for both of you during which you can give her what she needs. If you treat yourself as if your needs are important, worthy of being respected, most people will treat you that way as well and if they can’t…it’s not about you and it’s not your problem.

We all come here with only one assignment and that is to be fully who we are. We can get side tracked or delayed, but, sooner or later, we have to get back to this one basic assignment. If we don’t get to it, eventually we feel empty, dissatisfied with life and unfulfilled. Getting sober offers you an incredible space to begin a wondrous journey of discovery to yourself. Here’s a little something you can hang on your wall in case you need a reminder about what your responsibilities are or are not supposed to be.

Responsibility

It is never your responsibility to:

Give what you don’t want to give, for that is a violation of your own boundaries

Sacrifice your integrity to anyone for that grieves your spirit

Drain your strength for others because that discounts your own needs

Listen to unwise counsel for that ignores your inner wisdom

Maintain an unfair relationship because that devalues your worth

Be anyone other than who you are because that robs the world of your unique gift

Conform to unreasonable demands for that creates resentment

Be 100% perfect because we are all still works in process

Follow the crowd because there is no value in sameness

Please unpleasant people because that is self-induced abuse

Bear the burden of an other’s misbehavior because accepting
consequences are a precious part of each person’s own path

Feel guilty for your own inner desires for those are Divinely inspired

Endure your own negative thoughts because that is a refusal to heal

Meekly let life pass you by for that is a waste of your choice to be born.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.