uealse Valentine’s Day - Dr. Dina Evan's Columns

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You’re in Love When…

When you are young you believe that you fall into love. You could conceivably fall into lust, or trip mindlessly into passion-but love, real love is something you become – not something into which you fall.

We also often confuse unconditional love and romantic love. Unconditional love is the glue that holds the universe together. It is called morphic-resonance, alignment, attunement, peace or grace. It is the act of energies coming together in way that creates harmonious fluidity in the system. It is the dance that makes each of its parts more, united in the mutual blessing of mutual recognition and honor. Each integral part moves into union. Each part having the implicit awareness that it individually is, and is necessary to the whole. Love is an act of recognition from one soul to another. Your spirit is familiar to me – I know it as my own. Jeez that sounds a lot like romantic love as well. Hence the confusion. They are one in the same, with romantic love having a few, okay a lot, more challenges.

Love can be spontaneous, it can pop up in unexpected places; between friends over lunch, between words in secret sharings, between breaths beside the ocean. Love is found in sad songs, love songs, in nearly all songs. Love is in the eyes of a child, in the warmth of a shaggy dog’s coat lying across your foot as you write your column, or in the recognition of humanity in a stranger’s glance. Love is found in uncommon acts of kindness and in moments of being vulnerable. It is in the space behind our fear. Love can peek through the eyes in the mirror when there is acceptance or compassion for ourselves. Love gets created between two people who are healing themselves and each other. Love is in each of us when we are open to being it.

In relationships, love is often confused with need. Love is not need. Love does not seek anything. When there is true love it is never partial, it is already complete. When we seek out each other to fill our needs, our lovers become the object of filling those needs rather than our beloved. Love is being present, profoundly here, solid and alive. Love is the connection, the commitment, the ecstasy and relief of right union. Love creates a direct path to Spirit parts, head parts, heart parts, girl parts and boy parts. When love is real all of our parts are in it and nothing is held back. When we are both being love, we are able to cradle the child in each of us, respect the adult in each of us and encourage the Spirit in each of us.

When you are being love, there is no separation between who you are and what you feel, therefore, there is no way to give less than your best. When you still feel you are looking for the best, or still trying to give the best, you have not yet found love. When you have found it there are no questions left. Love is a surprise! It is never what you thought is was and never comes because you wish it would. Love knocks you off your feet and onto your butt when you least expect it or have decided you don’t need it.

Love walks barefoot in summer and wears sweats in winter. Love stays up through the night to help you solve problems. Love reaches out through fear or pain to touch your face or take your hand. Love reaches back to touch his or her face or take his or her hand. Love reaches through all the distances we each create when we feel a need to protect ourselves, or have begun to doubt ourselves – and it pulls us toward each other. Love believes there will always be resolve and does not leave until we find it.

Love cracks me up laughing while dishing the guests at a party we’ve just left, or while describing how somebody – the invisible person who lives in my house – ate the last fat free cookie. Love calls me Einstein when I launch into an explanation of morphic- resonance but I can’t even remember the date or time of an event after being told twenty-seven times. Love is an amazing thing.

When we are being love, we are also being integrity, honesty and truth because love walks hand in hand with them. It is not possible to stand in love and also stand in lying, cheating, leaving in any way, or pretending. Love knocks at your hearts door and reminds you to do these things would be a betrayal to yourself.

No, love is not an instantly falling into thing. Love is a feeling fully, failing and forgiving, filling up and over-flowing, finding you and finding me thing. In truth there are only two emotions in the world, love and fear… and love is the only real one. Perhaps this will help….
You Know You’re In Love When…

Love becomes something you do, rather than something you want.
Taking care of yourself means you get another moment
to brush the hair from off her forehead.
Cuddling is not about the weather
An expected glance at her takes your breath away.
Sex becomes sacred
How she looks is less important than who she is
You are willing to discover something new about her
from moment to moment
Uncertainty, questions and greener grass no longer exist.
Leaving is not an option
You would gladly give your inner child to her
What you feel begins to heal you both.
You are willing to open your heart in ways
you never thought you could
Giving less than your best feels like lying
You can feel her imprint on your soul
You can feel her presence even when she’s not near
It’s more fulfilling to listen than talk
Truth becomes a gift of spirit
And, loving her becomes all you need

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Valentine’s Vows

I love being in love. Most of us do. Why then do we settle into relationships with a bowl of popcorn at one hand and the remote control in the other, zoning out as life and love pass us by? Could it be that relationships are work? In fact relationships are the toughest assignment on the whole planet and at the same time they bring the most rewarding gifts. Like love itself, they can be filled with the most intense energy of intimacy and at the same time, the most profound possibility. That is, if you are really present and doing the work.

This Valentines Day would be a great time to begin to create the love and joy you deserve. This is a time to use your relationship as your own personal spiritual workshop for enlightenment. After all, it’s the best tool your have.

Here are some important steps you can take which deepen your relationship. These are not for those folks still in relationship kindergarten who are sleeping around, lying and telling people what they want to hear. These are for those of you who are ready for deep, meaningful relationships. You know who you are, those of you who would consider skipping Survivor, Who Wants To be A Millionaire or Real TV, for some good old fashion intimacy. Begin by taking my list and making it your own with revisions and changes that are reflective of who you and your partner are. Once you have a new list of commitments or re-commitments, sit down and promise them out loud to each other. I’d love to hear about your process. Write and tell me what you discover in yourself and in your beloved. Most importantly, have fun!

Seven Steps to Creating Conscious Relationships

1. I Commit to Achieve Intimacy.

I commit to recognizing, owning and clearing away the obstacles I put in the way of my ability to be close. I will identify and name the defense mechanisms I use to distance, close my heart, abandon myself, abandon my partner, friends or family members in order to avoid telling my truth or creating real intimacy.

2. I Communicate and reveal my truths openly. I honor my partner’s truths by being trustworthy.

I do not conceal parts of myself, even those parts of which I am not proud. Holding parts of myself back in relationship is self-defeating. I can’t be committed unless I am fully present and willing to be transparent. Conscious relationship means microscopic truth telling. I honor my right and my partner’s right to reveal our truths only as it is safe to do so. I honor my partner’s truth as a sacred trust and do not reveal it to others without her permission.

3. I Take Full Responsibility for My Own Needs and my own Growth.

I have the power to take charge of my life and stop being a victim. I have the power to stop my dependence on substance, obsessive activity, bad relationships or people whom I have made responsible for my lack of self-esteem, security and happiness. The times when I have projected blame and shame onto other’s, are when I have forgotten that I am in charge of my own reality and healing. I will not expect my partner to deal with the consequences of my refusal to do my own work.

4. I Commit to joy and laughter in my relationship.

I am aware that relationships take immense courage and commitment and therefore, I also commit to creating equal joy. I accept the ups and downs in relationship as a normal part of the process and my personal opportunities for growth. I take the time to enjoy the strengths, creativity and healing in my partner, in myself and in my relationship.

5. I Commit to Releasing Learned Behaviors and Negative Programming that no longer serves Me.

I accept that I am ever changing and so are those I love. I do not hold on to pain or anger from the past. Neither will I hold on to negative behaviors that diminish my self-worth or are harmful or demeaning to myself or others. I promptly admit my mistakes. I do not accept responsibility for, or cover-up for, the mistakes of others. I commit to stay in the process until the issues are resolved or there is an agreement to disagree.

6. I Commit to some path of service to the planet and all sentient beings.

I commit to actions that restore peace and balance on the planet. I commit to assisting others in the discovery and joy of conscious relationship and conscious living. I will do this first and foremost by committing to my own growth and increasing awareness.

7. I Commit to act honorably with reference to the issue of monogamy in my
committed mate relationships.

If I have committed to be monogamous, I willingly make the choice not bring anyone else, or any one else’s energy into our physical relationship. I will provide a safe place for each of us to completely unfold and give fully of ourselves. I will not play with, or encourage other people’s attraction to me. I willingly choose not spend time with people who cannot or will not honor our commitment as partners. I will not use affection as hostage or reward – nor will I create a space of withhold lacking in unconditional love in which error may occur.

If I have not committed to be monogamous, I will speak clearly and truthfully about my intentions, whether I am sexually with others and I will not act deceptively to have my needs filled in ways that are not in agreement with our contract. I will honor my spiritual relationships with truth and I will disclose fully.

Conscious relationships are a commitment and gift to self. They teach you to be:

(1) Be Fully Aware And Present
(2) Be Authentic – Experience all your feelings
(3) Be Committed – Keep your agreements and increase your level of integrity
(4) and Be Joyful!

Take a minute to imagine how much soul deep work could be accomplished if you knew your partner would never cheat on you, lie to you, betray you or leave you without an honorable end to your contract. These gifts of safety and integrity provide unlimited opportunities for your own growth and growth toward each other! Light a candle. Put on some music. Sit across from each other. Renew your vows this Valentines Day with these commitments or ones that the two of you create. The result? Deeper love and growth.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

The Fearful Splendid Thing of It

There is a huge number of us are looking for it. Many of those who have it often take it for granted, ignore it or complain that it isn’t coming in the way we expected. We spend billions of dollars trying to look good enough to keep it. So then, if love is this many splendored thing …why are we so afraid of it?

Don’t go too far. Don’t say too much. Don’t feel that deeply. Maybe it’s not love we don’t trust. Maybe it’s not even the other person we don’t trust. Maybe it’s US we don’t trust when it comes to love. We don’t trust ourselves to be ok if we see an ounce of disapproval in the eyes of our beloved because that might mean there is something wrong with us. We don’t trust ourselves to be ok if we get abandoned because we don’t believe that we are worthy of finding someone else. We don’t trust that the feelings won’t kill us. We don’t trust that our partners could really love us in the first place because we, ourselves, do not believe that we are lovable. It’s a big mess. Or not.

Love is like setting this gigantic table filled with exotic fruits and flowers and arranging it with incredible, delicate care and tenderness and then offering it to the person you love. If they are allergic to fruit does that really change the value of your gift in any way? And, wasn’t it simply your task in life to learn how to care that much and have the guts to offer your love without holding back on any level? The exercise, for those of us who choose to accept it, is to become the love we seek and not give a damn about how it is received. Love gives us the chance to lose ourselves so we can find ourselves. The good news is that the majority of the time, if you are loving with a whole heart, no one in their right mind would leave such a gift because that kind of genuine devotion is so rare. But instead we hold back.

Allowing yourself to fall madly, deeply in love opens your heart to the whole mystery of life. It introduces you to the connective stuff in the universe and reminds you that there is no such thing as separation. It tests your ability to tell the truth. It makes you look at your addiction to sameness. It allows you to uncover the places you feel unsure about yourself and go to work on them. It gives you the thrill of looking across the room and filling up with ecstasy and adoration for a person who is willing to show you his or her soul. It tests your ability to remain committed. It pushes your level of presence and delivers everything it promises and more. Love gives you an inside peek at who you really are because when you fall in love you are experiencing your own spirit, your own profound ability to become love.

Since I was a child, I have longed for love. I knew that it existed, even though it took a detour when scheduled to arrive at my home. As I became more aware, I knew that loved entered into the center of sacred connections where truth lived. I knew that love created mystery, magic, music and enchantment. I knew that love made anything – everything – sacred. I knew that love turned words into prayers, anger into forgiveness and fear into courage. I knew that love from, or with, anyone stopped the agony of longing and not yet finding. I knew that love was not need, control or ownership. I knew that love was openness, acceptance and compassion. I knew that love was a celebration, a reunion with the Divine. I knew that love heals, renews, inspires and empowers us to act with courage and character. I knew that falling in love was an act of the soul and staying in love was an act of Spirit. I knew that love had less to do with desire and more to do with holiness, reverence, comfort and grace.

But, until I was a woman of age, I didn’t know that love was all there is – and everything else is an illusion based on fear. I didn’t know that in order to have love – all I had to do was be it. Now you know it too and it’s your turn.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.

Through the Eyes of a Child

Perhaps we should begin to see again through the eyes of as child. Before she has become tainted with the beliefs of adults, if you show a child war, she becomes confused with the inconceivability of it. The child will reach out in tenderness and understanding instead.

Show a child another child who has no food and he or she is instantly moved to compassion and sharing without an ounce of judgment.

Show a child a beaten spirit and the child will immediately become protective and want to care for it.
Show a child the beauty of the earth and the child is instantly in wonder, appreciation and awe about the smallest of creatures, the tiny caterpillar or blade of grass or the largest elephant and grandest of canyons.

Show a child color and the child will splash it everywhere with joyful abandon, pushing the brilliancy beyond the edges until shown how to do it right.

When a child is in the presence of negative energy, she simply walks away or turns her back. No need to change it – just discern it and take care of herself accordingly.

Show a child an older person and there is immediate affinity, warmth and respect. She will climb on a lap and listen with great anticipation and eagerness.

Show a child life and she receives it with great expectation and total embrace of the potential.

Show a child love and she allows it to flow through her to others. She opens herself to as much of it as she can hold as if the quality of her life depends upon the flow of this life giving energy.

Through a child’s eyes every moment and every person in it is incredibly important and necessary to survival.

As adults images of killing, corruption and lack of civility and loss of ethics barrage us. We are inundated with it on television. Is it not interesting that the top 10 companies in the world control what is seen on the television and, in fact, all major networks and forms of media?

What are the steps to controlling a society of people? First you make it hard for people to know about themselves. Set up unattainable goals for how people ought to look act and live. Provide all the answers for people so they stop thinking for themselves. Then you eliminate points of comparison. In other words, you get rid of any images, languages or thoughts that might be different. After that you separate people from each other. Make it easy to just stay inside and get information from the television especially if you control the content. Next you occupy the minds of people with fear. We seek it in DVD’s, computer games and theatres. We read about in our newspapers and magazines and we have hardened our hearts because we feel we can no longer change the direction in which the world is going. We are inundated with warnings of attack and disaster. All of this encourages the use of any means to numbing out. In this midst of all this we have redefined happiness as no attack today rather than living life in an intentionally profound way. In shutting out the fear and negativity, we have also shut our hearts to the love, caring, warmth, compassion and possibilities for connection that would move us to creating change.

It’s time to let our hearts break open again with love; the way they used to when we were children and dared to feel everything. When was the last time you felt the beauty of nature, the love of your partner, compassion, passion or deep commitment? Maybe we could start 2003 with the willingness, to simply feel again – everything – first hand. Turn off the television and grab your partner, take a walk, touch his or her face, kiss a flower, scream out loud, come alive and begin to see life through the eyes of a child. The view is still exquisite.

© Dr. Dina Bachelor Evan 2013

All rights reserved. No part of the intellectual property of Dr. Dina Evan may be reproduced, placed on mechanical retrieval system, transmitted in any form by electronic, video, laser, mechanical photocopy, recording means or otherwise in part or in whole, without written permission of the author. Contents are fully copyrighted and may not be owned by any other individual or organization.