Valentine's Day
Valentine's Vows
I love being in love. Most of us do. Why
then do we settle into relationships with a bowl of
popcorn at one hand and the remote control in the other,
zoning out as life and love pass us by? Could it be
that relationships are work? In fact relationships
are the toughest assignment on the whole planet and
at the same time they bring the most rewarding gifts.
Like love itself, they can be filled with the most
intense energy of intimacy and at the same time, the
most profound possibility. That is, if you are really
present and doing the work.
This Valentines Day would be a great time to begin to create the love and joy
you deserve. This is a time to use your relationship as your own personal spiritual
workshop for enlightenment. After all, it’s the best tool your have.
Here are some important steps you can take which deepen your relationship.
These are not for those folks still in relationship kindergarten who are sleeping
around, lying and telling people what they want to hear. These are for those
of you who are ready for deep, meaningful relationships. You know who you are,
those of you who would consider skipping Survivor, Who Wants To be A Millionaire
or Real TV, for some good old fashion intimacy. Begin by taking my list and
making it your own with revisions and changes that are reflective of who you
and your partner are. Once you have a new list of commitments or re-commitments,
sit down and promise them out loud to each other. I’d love to hear about
your process. Write and tell me what you discover in yourself and in your beloved.
Most importantly, have fun!
Seven Steps to Creating
Conscious Relationships
1. I Commit to Achieve Intimacy.
I commit to recognizing, owning and clearing
away the obstacles I put in the way of my ability to
be close. I will identify and name the defense mechanisms
I use to distance, close my heart, abandon myself,
abandon my partner, friends or family members in order
to avoid telling my truth or creating real intimacy.
2. I Communicate and reveal my
truths openly. I honor my partner’s truths
by being trustworthy.
I do not conceal parts of myself, even those parts of which I am not proud.
Holding parts of myself back in relationship is self-defeating. I can't be
committed unless I am fully present and willing to be transparent. Conscious
relationship means microscopic truth telling. I honor my right and my partner's
right to reveal our truths only as it is safe to do so. I honor my partner's
truth as a sacred trust and do not reveal it to others without her permission.
3. I Take Full Responsibility for My Own Needs and my own Growth.
I have the power to take charge of my
life and stop being a victim. I have the power to stop
my dependence on substance, obsessive activity, bad
relationships or people whom I have made responsible
for my lack of self-esteem, security and happiness.
The times when I have projected blame and shame onto
other's, are when I have forgotten that I am in charge
of my own reality and healing. I will not expect my
partner to deal with the consequences of my refusal
to do my own work.
4. I Commit to joy and laughter
in my relationship.
I am aware that relationships take immense courage and commitment and therefore,
I also commit to creating equal joy. I accept the ups and downs in relationship
as a normal part of the process and my personal opportunities for growth. I
take the time to enjoy the strengths, creativity and healing in my partner,
in myself and in my relationship.
5. I Commit to Releasing Learned
Behaviors and Negative Programming that no longer
serves Me.
I accept that I am ever changing and so
are those I love. I do not hold on to pain or anger
from the past. Neither will I hold on to negative behaviors
that diminish my self-worth or are harmful or demeaning
to myself or others. I promptly admit my mistakes.
I do not accept responsibility for, or cover-up for,
the mistakes of others. I commit to stay in the process
until the issues are resolved or there is an agreement
to disagree.
6. I Commit to some path of service
to the planet and all sentient beings.
I commit to actions that restore peace
and balance on the planet. I commit to assisting others
in the discovery and joy of conscious relationship
and conscious living. I will do this first and foremost
by committing to my own growth and increasing awareness.
7. I Commit to act honorably with
reference to the issue of monogamy in my
committed mate relationships.
If I have committed to be monogamous,
I willingly make the choice not bring anyone else,
or any one else's energy into our physical relationship.
I will provide a safe place for each of us to completely
unfold and give fully of ourselves. I will not play
with, or encourage other people's attraction to me.
I willingly choose not spend time with people who cannot
or will not honor our commitment as partners. I will
not use affection as hostage or reward - nor will I
create a space of withhold lacking in unconditional
love in which error may occur.
If I have not committed to be monogamous,
I will speak clearly and truthfully about my intentions,
whether I am sexually with others and I will not act
deceptively to have my needs filled in ways that are
not in agreement with our contract. I will honor my
spiritual relationships with truth and I will disclose
fully.
Conscious relationships are a
commitment and gift to self. They teach you to be:
(1) Be Fully Aware And Present
(2) Be Authentic - Experience all your feelings
(3) Be Committed - Keep your agreements and increase your level of integrity
(4) and Be Joyful!
Take a minute to imagine how much soul
deep work could be accomplished if you knew your partner
would never cheat on you, lie to you, betray
you or leave you without an honorable end to your contract. These
gifts of safety and integrity provide unlimited opportunities
for your own growth and growth toward each other! Light
a candle. Put on some music. Sit across from each other.
Renew your vows this Valentines Day with these commitments
or ones that the two of you create. The result? Deeper
love and growth.
Recovering Together
February 2001
Dr. Dina Evan
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