Responsibility
Responsibility
Question: It never occurred to me that
getting sober would come with huge fundamental questions
about who I am and what are my responsibilities to
everyone else! How do I determine what responsibilities
are really mine and which are not?
Let’s simplify these issues. You have
only one job and that is to find out who you are
and then
allow yourself to be that person fully. That’s
it! Does that make you self-absorbed and egotistical?
No, it makes you self-aware and responsible in a healthy
way, both of which may seem unfamiliar and new to you.
In the beginning of your process, you may have a tendency to beat yourself
up a bit when you start setting healthy boundaries because others are not getting
what they want from you. The fact that you are suddenly honoring yourself is
not what creates their pain. Their own projections and unmet expectations create
pain for them and none of that has anything to do with you. Just respond to
those who feel hurt from an I space and let them know you are not in a position
to provide what they need. To your friend that always arrives thirty minutes
late, that might sound like this, “ I am trying to respect myself more
so I have decided that I can only wait for you twenty minutes beyond our appointed
time. After that, I will have to leave.”
By honoring yourself right from the beginning, you will avoid all the attending
resentment, anger and disappointment that comes from forcing yourself to do
things you no longer want to do or be someone you no longer want to be. When
you honor yourself, everyone wins because your relationships are more honest
and authentic. Unfortunately, you cannot avoid the reality that others may
feel pain simply because you choose to be who you are. An example may be that
you are dead tired and your best friend needs you to sit up all night commiserating
over her broken relationship. If you say you cannot be available right at that
moment, she is going to feel pain and it is not your job to fix that. What
you can do is set a time that is better for both of you during which you can
give her what she needs. If you treat yourself as if your needs are important,
worthy of being respected, most people will treat you that way as well and
if they can’t...it’s not about you and it’s not your problem.
We all come here with only one assignment and that is to be fully who we are.
We can get side tracked or delayed, but, sooner or later, we have to get back
to this one basic assignment. If we don’t get to it, eventually we feel
empty, dissatisfied with life and unfulfilled. Getting sober offers you an
incredible space to begin a wondrous journey of discovery to yourself. Here’s
a little something you can hang on your wall in case you need a reminder about
what your responsibilities are or are not supposed to be.
Responsibility
It
is never your responsibility to:
Give what you
don’t want to give, for that is a violation
of your own boundaries
Sacrifice your integrity
to anyone
for that grieves your spirit
Drain your strength
for others because that discounts your own needs
Listen
to unwise counsel for that ignores your inner wisdom
Maintain
an unfair relationship because that devalues your worth
Be
anyone other than who you are because that robs the
world of your unique gift
Conform to unreasonable demands
for that creates resentment
Be 100% perfect because
we are all still
works in process
Follow the crowd because there is
no value in sameness
Please unpleasant people because
that is self-induced abuse
Bear the burden of an
other’s misbehavior because accepting
consequences
are a precious part of each person’s own path
Feel
guilty for your own inner desires for those are Divinely
inspired
Endure your own negative thoughts
because that is a refusal to heal
Meekly let life
pass you by for that is a waste of your choice to be
born.
Arizona Together
April 1998
Dr. Dina Evan
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