Love
Love: Real Deal or
Another Spiel?
"Ok, we all know that
we are finally waking up and in this great relationship
revolution, but, how do we tell what’s the real
deal or just another spiel when shopping for a long
term commitment? Our hearts, and perhaps something
a little lower is shouting, This is it, this is
the real deal. Yippee! I have finally found my true
love and soul mate. The problem is that while
we are mid-air in flights of fantasy we may be missing
some very human qualities that could mean the demise
of our dream at some point down the road. So what is
it that one should look for in a long-term mate? Perhaps
the best approach is to become aware of what we don’t
want.
I’ll
do anything for you!
Run; don’t walk to the nearest exit.
There are lots of people out there who really feel
this endearing willingness constitutes love.
The truth is it constitutes codependency. Anyone who
is willing to give himself or herself up completely
for you, will, in the not too distant future, be expecting
the return of that favor. When it is not forthcoming…you
can expect to hear things like, I have given you
everything and what have I gotten in return? A
person who is capable of loving you in a whole-souled
way, loves himself or herself as well. In fact they
are not able to commit to you or put you first in their
lives as a partner, unless they are committed to themselves
and first in their own lives…not in a selfish,
but rather, a self-loving way. This kind of attraction
is not about being an adult who can give love equally.
It’s about a lack of maturity or an inner child
who needs to be nurtured and taken care of. Ask yourself, Do
I want to be a parent or a partner?
Everyone one else I’ve been
with has abandoned me!
Dah! There is probably a reason. People
who abandon themselves and don’t have good boundaries
that are self-respecting often get abandoned because
it’s simply too much of a burden to be with this
kind of person. No one wants to be responsible for
another’s happiness, safety or fulfillment. If
you share these things great, but it’s not your
job to be responsible for the quality of another person’s
life.
Let me tell you about how bad my
past partners were!
Put on your tennies and run again! You
are next on the list for bashing and the whole world
will know your every flaw. People who have integrity
don’t talk about other people including past
lovers. They talk about issues, principles, growth,
spirituality and love. If your past partner was worth
sharing your body and love with, they deserve the respect
due any human being once the relationship ends. You
can tell about how mature your prospective partner
is by how they treat their families and their past
partners. Yes, there are times when we must set good
boundaries and we might decide a person is not the
kind of individual we want in our lives. But we don’t
run all over town airing our dirty laundry about the
ugliness. We simply move on and learn from our mistakes.
I want to spend every minute with
you.
This is not love. This is insecurity and
control. Love takes a break, spends time with friends
and comes home to share. Love wants you to grow, do
the things that make you happy and does not expect
24-hour attention. Control, insecurity and the need
to possess underlie this kind of behavior. When someone
wants to know where you are every minute and what you
are doing and with whom, you are in trouble. This is
an unstable person who will make your life miserable
with doubt and jealousy. No matter how much you reassure
him or her, it will never be enough because it’s
not your problem. It’s theirs. It’s a lack
of self-confidence and self-esteem. Ask yourself, How
does my partner make me feel? If you feel afraid
to be open, truthful, make decisions that are right
for you or if you find yourself withholding information
because your partner will become angry or hurt, this
is not the right relationship for you. Move on.
True love is based on freedom and truth. It is never about control, coercion,
ownership, possession or material gain. It’s about giving. When you want
to know the truth of someone’s heart watch what they do not what they
say. You can always tell what someone is really like or what they really believe
by watching what happens beyond the words. Take your time. Enjoy the ride and
stop rushing into anything. There is always time to discover the true nature
of the person to whom you are about to give your heart. Not only can shopping
for a new love be fun, but it is also a great exercise in self-love. Arizona Together
March 2004
Dr. Dina Evan
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