Communication
The Power of Your
Words
A reader called the other day to say, “ Every
time my husband and I go out to meet new people or
to attend a family affair, he inevitable brings up
every gory detail my past when I was drinking. Something
feels really wrong with this, but I don’t know
what it is since I really did do all those things.
Help.”
What you are feeling is a breach of boundaries and a dishonoring of the trust
between the two of you. Words, language and honorable expression are critical
to every successful relationship. Unless you have given your husband permission
to speak of these things, he is violating a boundary by divulging information
about your personal life without your permission. No matter what you did, or
how much he was hurt, speaking with friends about your past is not an honorable
way for him to deal with his feelings.
Words are the bridge between thought, manifestation and reality; therefore, they
are of great importance. Everything was first thought of - then defined by words
- and then made manifest. Miracles, life changes, enlightenment all evolve from
words. Words have great power in relationships because they speak of the hearts
intent. Your husband’s intent may be to hurt you or get back at you for
the pain you have caused him. Words have the ability to destroy a relationship
or empower it. They provide safety or erode it. Words can create a healing or
a hostile environment. Words can define our relationships as sacred, holy, or
ordinary and debased.
The first step in dealing with this issue is to directly ask your husband to
examine his motivation for speaking about your past in this way. Then, let him
know how hurtful to you this has been. Finally, ask him to stop it. He may need
to vent his anger or rage about what has happened in the past so that he can
move beyond it. Talk about how he might best do that without further damaging
your relationship.
No word is ever lost. Words are energy. Have you ever had anyone say, “Forget
I ever said that?” Pretty impossible to do isn’t it? In metaphysics
we have learned that words carry great energy and always manifest on some level
at some time. Words protect the sanctity and boundaries in a relationship and
allow for deeper, more intimate healing. Or, words can break boundaries, reveal
secrets, and leave partners feeling betrayed and unsafe. Words have great power
to unite or separate - create love or isolation.
Words define our relationships to ourselves and to each other. They tell you
whether you have integrity, emotional courage, compassion and understanding.
When you abandon or betray your partners you have, in fact, abandoned and betrayed
yourselves. Your personal level of integrity is reflected in your words and actions.
Any betrayal or abandonment reflects a lack of integrity in us, not in our partners.
With words, we can create information that is derogatory or harmful to another,
or we can treat each other with awe and respect. Being in relationship is truly
the only opportunity we have to fine hone our skills of honesty in our expression.
We demonstrate that skill through the words and actions we choose. Take a minute
to go over this checklist of just a few questions and see if your words and actions
are aligned with your spirit.
1. Do you ever share information that is derogatory
or harmful about your partner in other than a therapeutic
setting where these issues are being addressed?
2. Do you ever create a non-safe environment by bringing
up issues from the past which you have previously said
were forgiven.
3. Do you ever share private or intimate information
that your partner has told you without his or her
permission?
4. Do you ever share his or her shortcomings or character
flaws with others?
5. Are there ways in which you are deliberately inaccurate
to prove your point?
6. Do you use shaming or blaming language to enforce
your point? (name calling, labels, foul language, derogatory
sexual terms, etc.)
7. Do you become verbally abusive, use threats, fear,
guilt, control, projection?
8. Do you use passive, non-committal, compliant, indifferent
language to manipulate your partner?
9. Do you answer questions with questions?
10. Do you often think things you never say or withhold
information about your real feelings?
11. Do you ever make “innocent or critical” remarks
that hurt your partner?
12. Do you feel it is unnecessary to apologize?
13. Do you withhold praise and encouragements out of
fear that someone might become better or more capable
than you?
14. Do you solicit information that your partner has
told you he or she is not ready to share?
15. Do you shift the blame to others for your own actions
and behavior? Do you feel your excuses are also justifications?
Now perhaps you are beginning to understand the power
of your words. If you answered yes to any of these
questions, you are creating a lack of safety in your
relationship. That is what your husband is doing and
that is why you feel unsafe. Instead of telling his
truth and addressing his issues directly with you,
he is choosing to vent his anger inappropriately. He
is acting out of fear and not love. Time to have a
talk - using loving words to say. - “Enough!”
Recovering Together
August 1999
Dr. Dina Evan
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