Bed Death
Bed Death: Bound to
Happen or Bad Rap?
There is something magnificent about
the back of a woman’s neck or the gentle sloping
curve of her hip – or his. There’s a certain
kind of splendor to silk slipping sensuously off a
shoulder and yet, even these delectable delights are
not the makings of real intimacy or love. Although
these sensations can usher us into a temporary state
of ecstasy, seldom are they able to maintain the excitement
over the long haul. It’s not fun making love
with someone you don’t respect or trust. Mind-blowing
sex that is transformational and moves through to the
soul, in a sustained way, starts in the heart and works
it’s way down to other body parts. Even the most
sexually liberated of men will admit they too long
for a deeper connection, and have difficulty finding
it, which drives their urge for multiple partners.
Bed death occurs slowly. This terminal process starts
long before we get to bed. As couples we connect on
four levels: intellectual, spiritual, emotional and
physical. Bed death begins insidiously the moment we
start to disconnect on any of these levels. It begins
when we stop talking about what we need and want or
how we really feel in a relationship. It starts when
we are no longer connected spiritually or share a mutual
purpose and path. It can begin when we stop being affectionate
with each other or when we start to lose respect for
our partner. Bed death is a symptom, not the disease.
Being in a conscious relationship requires a certain
amount of courage. Looking at real problems can be
scary. It can also be liberating and connecting. Every
couple in my practice who begins to reconnect through
meaningful communication and problem solving, reports
a renewed sense of sensuality and sexuality in their
relationships. Oddly enough, they start having fun
in bed again.
Some of the main factors that contribute to bed death
are:
1. A lack of courage in dealing with unresolved issues.
2. An unwillingness to express one’s truth or
real feelings
3. Denial about the impact of having a non-sexual relationship
4. Acting out through emotional or sexual affairs
5. Holding secrets that evoke guilt or shame
6. A lack of true commitment to conscious relationship
Bed
death is seldom really about body image, body type or
physical issues. Even the most Rubenesque of
bodies can and do have outrageous sexual lives.
Do you want an insurance policy against bed death?
OK. First you have to know that in real relationships
where there is real intimacy - there is no experience
of bed death. And, you have to realize real relationships
are not for sissies. That means you have to be willing
to do the work to keep the love and sexuality alive.
Here ’s how.
Make sure that your partner stays a best friend. Do what you need to do in
the form of communication, time alone and soulful exploration to deepen the
connection between you.
Make sure that you are not getting distracted outside the relationship because
you are afraid of intimacy inside of it. Intimacy means profoundly interior
or “most within.” There may be times when you are getting so close,
perhaps closer than you have ever been to any other human being, and so you
sabotage the process by disconnecting physically. People who are afraid to
go farther out into the ocean of intimacy will often disconnect physically
first.
Make sure that kindness is the overriding quality of your exchange with your
partner. Criticism, belittling, demeaning are features of a relationship that
is seething with unresolved anger. Unresolved anger makes it impossible for
people to feel safe in bed. They’ll pass.
The minute you start thinking you know what your partner wants and needs in
bed – start being curious about what you don’t know! Taking it
for granted that there is some level of knowing about each other that we reach
in relationships that then stays static, completely misses the point that we
are ever changing human beings who are growing and discovering new aspects
of ourselves daily. What your partner liked yesterday he or she might hate
today. Ask. Don’t tell.
Finally, get the “O” out of Oh My God, Too much emphasis on orgasm
can take all the fun out of passion and stifle the desire. Sexy maneuvers,
tricks and techniques take the passion out of lovemaking and move it directly
into becoming mechanical. When you are making love to your partner as a gift
of simple pleasure, the orgasm becomes secondary to the sensual intimacy and
joy of connection. The fastest way to get the performance anxiety out of lovemaking
is to stop the performance and get into the loving. If you need a gentle, safe
way to reconnect, you can get an exercise designed to help you simply by emailing
me at DrDBE@attglobal.net.
Arizona Together
March 2006
Dr. Dina Evan
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